Listen-Breathe-Respond

Love. I have always been a bad listener. I have learned that many people consider themselves to be bad listeners, and perhaps more people ought to if what I’ve learned is correct. Personally, I am a bad listener when I am focused on the stress of the response. Perhaps ironically, the times I should be listening best are the times in which I am listening the worst.

This is a technique I learned many years ago from an adult who I do not remember. I did not think to practice it until recently. Even though perhaps I should not, I will choose to remind you first about:

“Breathe” – I like this activity. It can be done at almost any time without anyone’s permission and is solely under your control, and so it is good for you to feel the freedom of your consent to breathe. It does not require the movement of any finger or toe, and so almost all the body is granted freedom from action. I have learned to use this activity to calm myself and to re-center myself. I find it useful as an aid to focus, a shutting-out of the world, an expanding of awareness, a reminder of the present, a dream of the past. If you did not know (and I do not wish to offend), then I would truly hope you practice. Perhaps my experience is not universalable, but I share this in hopes that it may help someone.

“Respond” – This is the weight. When someone finishes talking, my perceived social pressure is that another person is supposed to begin within a reasonable amount of time so as to avoid an “awkward silence”. (But I do not understand “awkward silence”. I like silence when said words are finished. But I also try to understand because other people have told me that they have felt an “awkward silence”.) And I feel that I must respond both truly and intimately, with only the smallest changes in scope allowed. I am not often clever enough to know what to say quickly. What I have learned is to push my weight into my breath and let it float away. You see, this step is also about the breath. I breathe until I have thought to respond. This removes my weight, and almost every time I have remembered, my response rings more intimate and true. I would not share this if I did not think it would help.

“Listen” – These are the facts. I do not have a memory to use to retrieve them if I did not listen the first time, and so focus of attention is important. I often allow my focus to rest on the weight and begin to consider my response before the facts are completed. This is a mistake. Every person desires to be heard, and it is maybe rarely a difficult desire to grant. (I do not know for certain.) Sometimes I listen to facts that hurt my feelings. Sometimes I listen to words and feel emotions. I believe all emotions are good, but I also believe that my emotions are about myself. While sharing my own emotions is a very raw and real experience, I believe that sometimes a better response is one that is intimately known and understood by the two of you. (I do not have the words for this sentence.) You see, this step is also about the breath. I breathe until I can embrace my feelings and then put them aside to consider a we-response instead of a possible I-you-response or just I-response. Sometimes I feel the right response is to directly share my feelings, and then I do. But sometimes I feel it is better to find a compromise between addressing my feelings and addressing the said words.

Stated procedurally,

1. I would choose to always listen to the words and feel the feelings in the shared relationship.
2. I would choose to always breathe through the feelings, find a calm, and patiently be inspired to a shared intimate truth.
3. I would choose to always respond with love and awareness.

I do not always choose these things yet, but I am practicing.

I feel like a lot of things would be different if people often remembered that it was good to breathe. Amen.