In Sum
Love. I wish I had more words for you. Many ideas, but only few words. I will do my best.
It is difficult to be caretaken. It is difficult to be of age, yet still be on apron strings. I have always been prideful and stubborn. I have often felt the desire to be independent, and I feel shame that I am not. I know already – we all take life as it is given to us. My hubris is always asking, pleading, demanding more. I see the corner of my room and rail against it, ignoring what I have accomplished behind me. I do not hate often or lightly, but this limit – I hate it because I struggle against it futilely, and it does not yield. But what can I do other than struggle? When I am tired, I would admit that I struggle because I want for myself what so many would not give a second thought about. I do not have any answers.
I am often home with my family. I am often lonely. I do not bear any ill feelings towards my family. I am teaching my sons as best I can, and they pull away from us as parents as age-appropriately as I would guess anyone else does. My wife has had my burden for almost twenty years; I know she is tired. It has been more difficult over the past two years to find ways to give her a break. I do not have these answers either.
I have a doctor’s appointment in February. I am quietly concerned. My body is slowing down, but this is not about aging. It is far quicker to enumerate which organ systems in my body are working correctly rather than malfunctioning – all of them have at least one issue. I have to use my inhaler much more often. I think that is the one symptom that concerns me the most. My grandfather died of COPD. I would refuse to go out in that same way if I could. I do not have these answers either.
It is difficult to feel as a person when you have not and cannot live as one.
I will say three of my secrets:
- Sometimes I give up. Sometimes I cannot struggle and I do not want to look for different words. And so I stay silent and I forget. It feels like rebellion; it feels like dying.
- Sometimes I wish for a partner instead of a caretaker. But these words are not right.
- I would be an assistant coach for a cheerleading squad if I could.
These dreams are pointless. It does not matter if I try to hide my madness; it is here. I will wake tomorrow, and no progress will have been made.
Amen
This was and is painful to read. I don’t know your exact situation, but I do understand that you need a caregiver. I, also need a caregiver – at least on the weekdays. There is so much I used to be able to do that I no longer can do.
I think I understand your secrets. I have secrets too.
@novembercirese I apologize; it has been a rough week, and I have not responded to comments as I intend to do. I had not seriously considered the mental need for support of the caretaken; so much of my work has been to integrate rather than differentiate. I am sorry for causing you pain with my words, but I am grateful that you shared of yourself what you did. Thank you. Peace to you.
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I understand being lonely even in the presence of other people. I feel this way often, at least lately I do. I don’t understand it and why now all of a sudden am I feeling this way? I don’t have the answers either.
@happyathome I apologize for the words I am about to say; they may be difficult to read. I have been working on myself with nearly all my energy for a long time. To a certain extent, my other responsibilities became distractions – some of them wonderful and beautiful distractions, but distractions just the same – and even though I should have been more present, I could not. The answer to your question for myself is that I felt lonely with others because I felt lonely with myself. From a certain point of view, I had isolated myself to just my own thoughts in my own head. From another point of view, I was being selfish with my attention to myself. There are many ways to explain.
I do not want to leave you with only your question. Here is my answer to what I believe would be the next question: how can I stop feeling this way? I do not know if my answer may help you because it is specific to my circumstances, but I share it in case it might help. Because my problem was a surplus of self-reflection and a lack of presence, it helped me to begin settling some of my inner debates – to decide some inner quarrels and decide not to revisit them at this time (and for some of them, perhaps never again if it would cause me pain to do so). This has helped me clear my mind and accept many of the treatments that my therapist has recommended. And now that my mind is quieter, more settled, I find that I do enjoy my time with people again. Before I was too distracted to be present. Now, I once again feel at peace. I truly hope my words may help you find this same peace. I would wish that English was more like Greek so that I may properly express my love for you and your family. Peace to you.
@iamnur Oh, I think you express yourself very well. You are right…I don’t enjoy time with myself as much as I once did. There was a time I could spend days just doing the things I love to do like quilting, crocheting, writing, reading, playing my keyboard, coloring…I was never bored. Now, I find it hard to concentrate on doing any of those things and that makes me sad. I am trying hard to find my way back to that good place.
@happyathome I have also been desperately searching for that good place that we remember. Today, for me, it feels at hand. Today I am remembering to breathe. I hope we both remember together. Peace to you.
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