As Recursion

Love. I wish to share an interesting experience with you that I am currently experiencing. I have experienced these before, but I would not have been able to give definition before now.

I was considering the work of remembering to relate important experiences. I have found that being absolved of this responsibility by another is an act of charity on their behalf. And so the work of a relationship is a quantity that might be expressed in categories – “my secrets” “your secrets” “our secrets” “our sharing”. And so the responsibility for the work will ebb and flow in each relationship, as we hopefully move towards the choice for secrets instead of need. And though it may be uncharitable to do so, one could mathematically express a value for each person’s relationship-work so as to poorly order the people in the relationship.

And though this was an uncharitable model, I felt it fine to use for what I can easily imagine is my own most intimate relationship. I know there are things that both my wife and I would say to each other if only we had the words. I believe it is most charitable to assume the weight of these personal secrets is equal. But some things are not secrets by choice or by muteness – some things are secrets because they haven’t been able to be shared. I was a very poor husband for the vast majority of our marriage. My wife definitely carried many of “her secrets” when I should have let them be “our secrets”. And so I knew her work was greater for a long time, and unfortunately will continue to be for some time. I am blessed to have such a charitable wife.

And because I seek to improve so as to lessen the work that my best friend, my most intimate partner is obligated to do, I thought to mathematically express this redistribution of work. And I feel the scales slide. The work I do to improve is hopefully highly correlated with a relief of work from my partner. And because I remember mirrors and projections, I think of “positive work” and “negative work”. But what is “negative work”?

But I already feel the answer to this question because I feel I have said it already. I was considering the work of remembering to relate important experiences, including the work of remembering experiences I feel are important to share here. And there is also work in the writing of an entry, in the sharing. I am not sure if it is a joke, a lie, or a truth, but I am amused by the idea of doing work to relieve one’s own work. And by writing an entry, I know both at the same time.

This is not the entry I intended. I am not sure if these words have meaning. How can I help you imagine a world you’ve never seen? I have to go cry now. Amen.