20.3.23 – Post Therapy Blues
Dear You,
I know therapists warn that things tend to get worse before they get better. But bloody Hell. If I thought I was struggling before I started therapy, I was wrong.
Most nights last week, I was either drunk or drinking. I know its not wise to use alcohol as a crutch, so for the weekend I promised myself I would stay sober and I did, so thats a victory.
I had therapy again today – its weekly, always on a monday – and we skipped the ‘hard’ stuff. The trauma details. And for 2 hours we focused on my feelings and emotions.
I am NOT an emotive person. I was raised that ladies dont cry. You swallow it down, put a smile on your face, and get on with it.
So for the first time in 20 years I admitted MY guilt. MY shame. MY sense of responsibility. Out loud and to a human face. Like it or not I am responsible for two of my friends getting hurt. Because I introduced them. I KNEW what we were doing, our dirty secret, so I knew what he was capable of.
Why did I do it? I feel so angry and ashmed of myself.
I think admitting it, confronting it, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Let’s celebrate your sober weekend. Good on you!
I have a few things in my past of which I am deeply ashamed: the way I let the boys use me. The fact that I cheated on my husband before we divorced. Other things I’m too ashamed to even mention.
I’m not that person anymore. She was a child – a neglected child who was always starved for attention. Of course, she knew better, but when had she ever been selfish before?
To me, the logic behind you bringing friends over is not hard to grasp. Take the pressure off of you for a change, it’s not an unusual thing for someone who’s been victimized to do.
That child who suffered with all those years of abuse is still in you. She doesn’t deserve to continue to be abused. Show her some compassion. She deserves it, and as such, so do you. <3
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