Very long and meaningful to me….

There’s something wrong with the world today, there’s something in their eyes…

Have you ever sat back and just thought? Ever contemplated what you miss and don’t miss in your life? Ever felt like life is a rerun?

As I write this I see in my mind a movie of us. All the good and bad times. So many of each, but what shines through is the memories of waking up and seeing you above me and 6:00am because you had had a bad day. The morning you said “I love you” and meant it. The rose, I still have. When you swore to Kristin I had the cutest sleepy faces. I remember.

I miss the sweetness of it all. The us against the world and just the feeling I got when I was near you. I always wore a smile.

I remember the lies, the cheating, the tears, the fights. The pain, when we simply lost ourselves, and when we went our seperate ways long before we admitted it.

Then I see the one thing that makes me cry. You were my everything and I didn’t see it. I would have moved heaven and earth for you and I realize now, that you loved me as much as you could have and I never let you in completely. All the things done in malice was just to get your attention. All the hurtful words are drowned out by the memories of hearing you breath beside me at night.

To quote a brillant person I know,”Its a fight, a fucking fight, everyday. It never stops, it doesn’t matter what people say or do. What matters at the end of the day is what you feel when you lay beside that person at night.”

The I remembered the parts that make me sick, you and Kerri, me abd Michael. And I keep thinking of that quote. No matter how sick it made me and how much sick it made me and how much it hurt and how I wanted to hate. Then I remember what it felt lying next to you. I felt at home, where I belong.

I was laying beside my friend Brandon and this was going on in my head, I felt empty and alone.

No matter what, no matter that I mock you and pick on you to hide my feelings. I hiss at your name in front of friends so that I won’t be questioned. I’m stronger than this. I’m tired of lying and playing games.

No matter what you do, what you say. What I say or do, I love you. I always have. It doesn’t matter whats “right or wrong”. Or even if you still love me. I love you, I lied when I told you that I didn’t love you anymore.

Even thought I’m slowly learning even though it was the good, the bad, the ugly. Its over I’ll never lose those memories I’ll never forget it. But to pretend, is unfair I want the memory of our real love and not the games we are playing now.

Aren’t I the fool is this hand of life?

~~Much Love and Peace~~