Restless…..

I feel it in me, I want to run, I’m getting restless. That is not good, well it is, its a sign that things are getting tough and its time for me to develop that back bone that is kinda fragile right now. I think to damn much, I can’t last this way…I will drive myself crazy. I went through this with my family and my father. But for some odd reason this bothers me more. I keep thinking this is the exact reason that I don’t get attached to people and then I realize that I do and I have lost who I really am.

It scares me because I used to be a good person and I used to care so much and after so much pain I have hardened and become uncaring. I look at myself in the mirror and my eyes are so old and sad. I can’t believe what I have done to myself, and I don’t dare to think of what I have done to other people through all of this.

Kristin said *Its a fucking fight* It is and now I realize she was talking about just more than me and Dennis. I have a quick tongue and that does not help me at all. William Shakespeare once said, *To thyne own self be true, as the night follows the day….etc* I haven’t been true to myself or true to anything or anyone. I was once told, you have to believe in something, or life isn’t worth living….I don’t believe in anything, I have no faith. I can’t remember the last time I actually trusted anyone. I can’t sleep or eat, and I cry all the time anymore.

My track record is so horrible and when I finally find something that might be good, I’ve lost them, or I might possibly lose it. I’ve lost my drive, my passion, my dreams. I have also realized that I am ruthless, I use and don’t realize it and I manipulate the sitaution and people to suit me. I never realized this until a couple of days ago. I am so indrawn and just not connected. I myself am on a downward spiral….I need something….

~~Much Love and Peace~~