Me

Me…Interesting Topic, well not really. I am now realizing that I have been showing myself attention, the wrong kind of attention. I need to have pride in myself, and I need to stop bashing and fighting and trying to prove that I am stronger or more tough and that I don’t care. I need to focus on bettering myself and not fucking up. Which I have been doing for a while now.

I’ve got a good job and I have alot of good things going in my life and I have to grow up, I am out on my own and now is the time to develop me. Debbie, our den mother, was talking to me….she put it this way, “Dennis and you love the hell out of each other, but yall have got to realize what you are doing to each other. You have to change, you have to realize that yall are likethis, and you are fighting and you are like————-this. And when you are likethis, you can make something beautiful. Stop fighting each other, stop fighting yourselves, and grow together.”

She is very right…I need to realize that I am hurting myself that is all I am doing and Dennis is in a very bad situation, and you never know how much you love someone until you might lose them. I am dying inside. 4 years and some change? NO I can’t deal with that, well I don’t matter, I don’t think Dennis can deal with that, I mean why should the others get off scott free and he has to suffer, I know Karma is a bitch but my god. I mean off the muscle, the judge was like, *the book will be thrown*, I saw him today and I started crying so bad and I couldn’t deal with it, I had to be strong for him and I know that. I can do that…..

Dallas and the other girl involved are only looking at some 2 year charges, they are the ones that really commited most of the issue. But, Dallas had the nerve to talk to me today in the court room, I can’t believe he would do that, and he is not a friend, he doesn’t care anything what he has done. And the whole drug thing is so outragous…I am so scared that Dennis will lose his freedom. I love him more than life itself….And I never realized it until I could lose everything that makes me happy in life. I couldn’t even touch him, I couldn’t talk to him, I couldn’t do anything, I had to sit there and look at him and couldn’t even tell him I love you, I did mouth it, but I mean, I see him on Wednesday and I can’t touch him. I have to talk to him through a glass.

I understand what my mother went through with my father and I now realize how much someone has a capacity for love. I love him with my soul and everything. And Debbie just said, *You are what you make your name, and you are your name. If you don’t have a good name you don’t have anything* And there is no middle ground, either you give a damn or you don’t. And I do and it is time, that I start to show that I do.

I’ve crossed so many bridges, I only pray that I can repair the damage that I have done. No one else matters at this point except those that I need to apologize. I don’t know what to do, wait I use that fucking excuse way to much, I know what to do and now I have to get the guts up to do it. Yeppers, Trial of Fire.

~~Much Love and Peace~~