Overwhelming

Last night sleep did not want to come and I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking of everything I need to get done.

First I need to shop for my daughters birthday which is the day before I leave. Second I need to clothes shop which I hate I just recently had to say goodbye to my last pair of pants because they pretty much rotted away. I also know that I gained weight so shopping is going to be overwhelming. Which leads to the next reason I couldn’t sleep. I rarely get hungry not hungry like I was last night and today. I felt sick to my stomach I couldn’t get comfortable or warm. I probably walked out to my kitchen 20 times looking for something but my husband went shopping last and he didn’t buy my type of food because we will be leaving in a few days so he bought the kids easy things to cook and plenty of snacks. Just the thought of gaining more weight before the trip gives me anxiety.

I always know when I’m going to struggle pretty bad when my fear of smelling food takes over. On Saturday I went to pick up pizza with my husband but being stuck in that car with those fumes really affected me. There’s no way to rid your body of smells. That’s normally when I fall apart and binge drink which was what happened this weekend and that’s part of this whole damn circle because although I am avoid food I’m drinking as much calories as someone eats in a day.

Never the less I am not feeling depressed I’m feeling pretty good just have a lot to do in the next few days. I also want to make sure that my house is in order because almost as soon as I return my mother in law is coming to visit then my mother is leaving to go visit her sister (she lives with me) so all of my 3 kids homeschooling will fall completely on me and then they have state testing.

March will be a crazy month. I also have decided I want to go back to work. I will be looking as soon as I return. I also started working for another company as an independent contractor which I absolutely love however it’s paid per job I could make 50 dollars in a week or 1000 depending on the needs but since my first two weeks not one open assignment has been available and I need something reliable.