oh I’m going crazy

I don’t feel well today. I’m just laying in bed with my baby which is my dog who is stealing my blankets.

this week has been hard mentally I’m not going to even pretend it hasn’t been. I have had one meal since last Tuesday which was a salad on Saturday which I threw up.

I have been diagnosed 3 times once with anorexia once with bulimia with anorexic behaviors and the last time as an unspecified eating disorder. What it boils down to is that I don’t fit under any specific category.

What does mine look like? Well sometimes it depends. Most of the time it means I do eat quite normally if I need to for example if my family goes out for pizza I will eat pizza I don’t binge eat however I throw up about 20 times a day. Even if I don’t eat anything I throw up so if I have a glass of water I get afraid of water weight and I will throw it up several times. If food touches me I will try to scrub my skin. If I smell a high calorie food I will throw up.

Daily it can change but what never changes is that I have to throw up at least 20 times a day. I will do that at all cost food or no food. I have rid myself of some habits such as weighing myself throughout the day in fact I have no idea what I weigh because I am terrified of that number.

I do know that I am not underweight and throughout my life I have been all kinds of weights as high as 265 to as low as 90 never under that.

The ugly truth that I would actually post a picture of if I knew how is that from years of throwing up I have only 7 teeth left. They ache daily and they are all broken and rotted even though I brushed them all the time. I got my top denture when I was 23. I don’t have a bottom denture I can not afford it because due to multiple infections I will need to get two implants to hold it in because of gum loss.

I am really having a hard time with the trip to Las Vegas because well whenever travel is involved so is food Las Vegas is buffets. I don’t like to eat what I don’t prepare because I can measure what I eat and I know I exactly what’s in it but eating out you can’t rely on what they say what if someone decides something needs more an ingredient? I don’t trust the nutritional facts because I have watched enough shows to know sometimes people just throw in just a little bit more. I don’t like to eat in public at all although I will because I don’t like closing myself off.

sometimes I fear putting on clothes like right now what if my pants don’t fit anymore? I only get out of my pajamas about once a week when I have to leave my house this week I didn’t even go grocery shopping I had my husband do it because I was scared of putting on my clothes.

im embarrassed of my teeth.

The worst thing about this trip is that it is put on by my husbands job. The top 1% of the company is gifted a completely paid for vacation free airfare hotel meals alcohol spending money concert everything which is fantastic but most things are done in a group so it’s not even like it will just be my husband and I but his work team and there’s a huge banquet that serves a 3 course dinner that is eaten at big tables surrounded by a bunch of people and it’s a black tie event I don’t wear make up or dresses. I feel so out of place the last two I walked out crying and was unable to make it through the event to see my husband receive his awards.

im also very picky I try to keep calm and muster on however once I bit into a sand which without looking first trying to prove to my husband I’m not completely out of my mind and it had mayonnaise on it which caused me to stay in bed crying for 3 weeks I would not eat I just didn’t think I would be able to get over it I wanted to cut my skin off. It completely derailed my thinking and I ended up very sick in the hospital.

So where most people would be excited I’m terrified. I also don’t like to be gifted with food. That’s one thing my husbands job does a lot. It doesn’t bother me so much this time because it’s not me being awarded he’s the one being rewarded with food. My old job did this so much and nothing makes me angrier than someone telling me I did a good job with a pizza party I’m not a dog don’t teach me new tricks or tell me I’m a good girl with your nasty food I will tell you to go fuck your self.

Well I’ve said enough now I’m not having an easy time today.