My new journa

This Journal is about living my life with an eating disorder. There are a few reasons I am writing it for one it’s hard to live with something  as significant in my life and not talk about it. The second reason is probably the one that’s nearest to my heart I have often felt alone and I never felt like a could relate to the stories, books, and movies. Most are focused on younger teens, or someone going through it for a short time, dealing with anorexia or bulimia, few were parent working full time I just didn’t relate.

I do not promote posting tips or tricks to lose weight.  I am not interested in posting calories or my weight loss or gain. If anything I hope that if you are finding this and hoping to learn something you will learn that it is a painful, scary, lonely, disgusting, humiliating disease to live with. That it is the most fatal mental illness to deal with. That being said I’m warning you that if you read this you are entering into some straight fucked up thinking.

So something that’s really been on my mind is gastric bypass. I have a lot of anger and resentment toward people who are able to have this surgery. I’m not normally met with anything but judgement and anger on this topic. However in the past 2 years I have known 4 people who got this done. I see them finally happy able to control what I also feel is an eating disorder with one surgery. I have spent my life to yo yoing.

It wasn’t until going in for treatment last year that I truly understood how different eating disorders can look and I quickly realized that my best friend suffers from one and really can’t face it. However whereas I lost weight and she didn’t every time she tried fasting she put all the weight on plus more. She is looking at getting the surgery and I can hear how excited she is. She will finally be free of her years of suffering. I am happy for her but at the same time I feel that the benefits would out do the risk and I want it. I don’t think you should need to be a certain weight. That being said I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I leave for Vegas in 6 days I’m excited but nervous I’m afraid of flying, I’m afraid of banquet for my husbands job. I hate leaving my kids for 3 days. I’m afraid of the unlimited alcohol. I am excited of course who wouldn’t love an all expense paid trip to Las Vegas but my anxiety has really taken over and I ended up binge drinking all weekend.