Spring is creepin’ up fast

The days are getting longer as Spring approaches, and it only reminds me of how I am not ready for the nicer weather. Not just because of my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder,) but because this winter has been particularly hard as I steadily turn to food to cope with so many things in life. I’ve put on 25 lbs in five months and am disgusted with myself. Although I’m still considered underweight by the health care profession, I’m beyond fat in my own eyes. I cannot go into Spring/Summer looking like this. Also, none of my clothes are going to fit. I won’t even dare try them on at this point or I just might commit suicide. I know, a little dramatic, but that’s how bad it is.

I’m trying to stay positive though. Maybe I don’t have to go into Summer looking like some kind of freaky skeleton. Perhaps I could just lose 10-15 lbs and settle on being a little on the skinny side, but not boast the whole death-warmed-over look. That almost sounds like reasonable thinking, I think. I’m actually getting bloody sick of damn near killing myself in the name of an ideal that just isn’t logical to the rest of the world. The only people whom my thinking makes sense to is other sick (eating disordered) people like myself. 

So what I’m going to do is simply try to refrain from eating after dinner. (I’m still going to purge dinner.) I’m pretty sure it’s the incessant snacking I do in the evening that’s done me in and added all this unwanted weight because most of the time I can’t be bothered to purge at night. This might mean I’ll have to go to bed earlier than usual to avoid the food, but that’s alright as I could use more sleep than I get anyways. It’s never too late to make some positive changes and reinstate some hope for a life that’s been on hold for far too long.