My weekend thus far

Friday was another one of those dreaded days where I had to pull myself together and behave like the social being that I am not. I certainly don’t have a problem connecting to people in my on-line life, but in real life it’s another story….

The Big Event was my nephew’s 18th birthday. Of course I was invited, but I feel it’s only because they had to invite me, being the aunt and all. My husband and I arrived at the classy Greek restaurant before any other family members did, and I took a seat at the very end of the long table. Whenever I have to attend these kinds of things, I always ensure that I sit where it’s easy for me to get up and leave with as little drama as possible if I should happen to find myself in the middle of a panic attack.

As the rest of the family arrived, some of them said hello to my husband and I, others did not. I don’t know everyone all that well due to the divorces and remarrying, and half-siblingship and what-not  types of relationships that seems to be the shaky foundation of my brother’s wife’s family, lol. So, I probably shouldn’t feel so offended (and rejected) that everyone headed to the farthest end of the 15-foot table, as far away from me as possible. Too bad for the later arrivals who were forced to fill in the seating gaps that eventually left one seat right next to me! My dad ended up with that seat, and even he looked a bit disappointed to be stuck with me. Then when my own daughter arrived very late due to other commitments, even she breezed right on by me without so much as a hello, and went straight to the other end of the table where they MADE a spot for her to sit! Like, holy shit… am I THAT fucking repelling?

I ended up sipping on several glasses of wine, as well as my dad’s, brother’s and husband’s drinks. Yes, I am that invisible that they didn’t even notice:) I don’t drink much, hardly ever actually, but I do find it helps me relax in these much dreaded situations, to the point where I can then start taking part in the petty, unstimulating conversations that normal folks only seem capable of. Also, drinking helps me to not freak out as much over eating and everything associated with that act. I suppose it helps that I’m still quite thin, so it really doesn’t take much to make me "comfortable". I’m pleased to say that I made it through the rest of the evening  without incident, although a few people made remarks that I may have had a little too much to drink. Oh well, I can’t see myself drinking until the next Big Event anyways.

On to my next weekend highlight, which I shall keep brief, but must mention: Saturday would’ve been my mom’s 69th birthday. She passed away last year and I miss her like crazy. She was my best friend, my heart, my soul, my everything. I could tell her anything and she could do the same. It hadn’t always been that way, but I’m so fortunate that we did become the best of friends in about the last 10 years of her life. I wish that for all mother and daughters because it just breaks my heart when I hear people say they hate their parents. It also breaks my heart that I don’t have much of a bond with my own daughter, but I still have hope that she will grow up and our relationship will become one that she will treasure for the rest of her life, once I’m long gone.

So I burned a candle yesterday in honor of my precious mother’s birthday. I miss you so much, my dearest – life will never be the same. My only hope is that one day it will start to get easier without you. What keeps me going right now is knowing that with each day that goes by, your passing goes further into history while my own demise gets closer.