Letting go

I knew this dreaded day would come, and I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it. They tracked her down on FB and lured her in with a ticket, and said, "Come meet your family, and we’ll show you a good time too." What unhappy-at-home 19 y/o would turn down a free and fun opportunity like that?

I said goodbye and put her on an airplane bound for Toronto. She says she has no interest in meeting her bio dad or allowing him back in her life, but it would be damn naive of me to believe for one second that she’s not at least curious to see the bugger! I know I certainly would be. Maybe it would be a good thing if they did meet and she got to ask him a few important questions like, why would any "dad" walk out of his baby girl’s life and virtually go underground to avoid having anything to do with her? I can just imagine the lies he would spew! His brother and sister-in-law already told her that they tried to keep in touch in the early years, but that my mom and I intervened and prevented it. (That is 100% false, by the way.. we would’ve gladly welcomed their interest in her life in any and all ways; they knew where we were the entire time, but no, they wait until she turns 18 and is most vulnerable.)

It’s a sad situation here. My daughter has no respect for me because I was "sick" for most of her life. She hasn’t tried to understand me, nor has she shown any compassion or empathy. I spent a lot of her childhood in the hospital due to my ED, and somewhere along the way she decided I was choosing the illness over her. But at least I didn’t leave her like her "father" did! Also, she’s always had the love and support of MY parents and family, and when I was home, I really did try my best to be a good mom. Well, the best I possibly could be with an ED breathing down my neck dictating my every thought and action. Okay, so I was a shit mom.

I’m not really doing too well with her going away, but at least it’s only for five days. I’m just scared that she’s going to find happiness with her long lost family, and finally say good riddance to bad rubbish (me). I found this meaningful quote that makes a lot of sense: "Sometimes it’s holding on that makes one strong, sometimes it’s letting go." I guess I have to let her go and figure things out on her own. Hopefully one day she’ll realize that she did have a privileged life and that I’ve always loved her, in spite of my selfish affair with my ED. I am deeply sorry and regretful that I allowed my ED to consume the precious time that should’ve been spent on her. I wish someday that she’ll forgive me, get to know me, and to have a grown up relationship with me. If she doesn’t, well, I’ll have to be strong and move on. I will have to accept what I’ve done and what is.