Borderline Personality Mom
Background: I know I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and most of the time, it’s ‘all or nothing’ for me. That definitely describes my interpersonal relationships too. I either love you, or I despise you. This is probably why I have less than a handful of people in my close circle.
The following feelings could change in a heartbeat. All it would take is for one kindly text, any words to indicate she doesn’t currently hate me. So please don’t think I’m an terrible, awful mother. They are just feeeelings, and they need to be dumped somewhere.
There is a commonly used phrase that allows the user a light, guilt free way of saying they don’t exactly have good feelings for someone, and it goes like this, "I love him/her, but I do not "like" him/her.
Well, truth be told, right this very moment, I don’t think I even like her. She could walk out that door tonight, and I may never see her again, and I wouldn’t miss her one little bit. All I would need to know is that she’s alive somewhere, living her life the way she wants to. And if that means living a popper’s life, in complete squalor, feeding peanuts to her no-good-for-nothing pigeon of a boyfriend, and letting him screw her every which way he can, then so be it… just as long as she’s "happy".
I tried, and I tried hard, to love her and get to know her – to let her get to know and love me too. I tried to teach her human compassion, and to help her see that tears aren’t always a sign of a weak and tortured soul. But fail I did, as has been the story of my entire life.
All I wanted was to be loved, because "God" knows I did love her in spite of my personality problems, depression, and eating disorders. Forgive ME that she didn’t absorb lessons the way they were intended. I am so, so, sorry. But for human beings, I believe apologies can be acknowledged, but rarely do they make things better – the damage was done, and rarely, if ever, is that damage reparable.
And one more thing. I hate it when people say, "You did the best you could under the circumstances." Or another similar sentiment, "You did the best you could with what you had." Both phrases are just expressed niceties. I don’t believe either. I had everything good at my fingertips: an excellent upbringing, an abundance of love and support, money to do things with, and all the tools one needs for a proper, happy life. *I* fucked myself up. *I* am to blame for all the things that went wrong in my life. And I take responsibility for it all. I think that actually says a lot of good about me, and to my character as a whole.