‘I’m Looking for Baggage/That Goes With Mine’

I am so tired of…Well. Living. The day to day.

‘Hit the ground
Weighed down
Again’

I’ve always had periods where things stressed me out beyond my ability to deal with, but I haven’t even done my own laundry in two weeks. I only want to take valium and read. Or sleep. I would like to sleep for two weeks.

The thought of everything makes me cry.

How did we get this dysfunctional?

I don’t remember hating our relationship. I don’t remember hating myself.

‘You walked out
But I’m sure you’re my friend’

It’s hard <hard hard> to know that I’ll never marry you. It’s harder to know that you will never have a purely romantic thought to offer. Even harder to accept that I’ve been holding out hope for four and a half years.

‘It must have been good
This can’t be for good’

Most days the hardest part is dreaming about sex and waking up to being so emotionally alone I don’t remember what it felt like to have someone here.

Were you ever here, really?

‘I waited
Oh I
  Waited
Oh I
Waited
Here’

I feel like I’ve spent five years just fooling and fooling and fooling myself.

‘Oh I must be too dumb to be proud
Because I
Waited
Waited
Here’

 

And now I can’t bear the thought of trying to start over. No one else could be who you are.

I love you the hardest and that is really the worst worst part.

<The only thing that happened for Valentine’s Day was that I made myself a heart out of shards of a broken mirror against a pink background with clouds. It came out beautifully. This is more than has ever happened on any previous holiday. It is the most that will ever happen. Accepting this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do with my emotions>

‘Woke to sounds
I prayed
You were there
Fell back down
But I’m sure
You still care
Must’ve been good oh
This can’t be for good
Everything’s oh
Is everything ok?
….
Oh I must be too dumb to be proud
Because I waited
Waited
Here’
-Our Lady Peace