I’m All Right/I Tell Myself Twice

The childs are with their _<execrable>father for vacation week. I have no one to read to in the evening. Nowhere to pick up and drop off. No reason to wake early.

‘When do we get to the part
Where I can go home’

I assigned myself social obligations this week that I do not want to see through, but need to be done. Unfortunate. No one is cancelling on me either. I would like to be home, stoned and fucking; not parrying dad’s grousing about me no longer paying into social security. Everything is falling apart, Daddy-o, I’m not concerned about planning for my retirement. Ohio is a flaming waste, every oil pipeline explodes, trains crash, everything will be on fire soon, it’s warmer than it’s ever been and just getting warmer. The insects are collapsing. I am training two children to survive the water wars. That’s my retirement plan and you should stop worrying about it; you’ll be dead and happy then and I am a practical person.

‘Waiting for someone
To come along
And find me’

When there was a cop lurking about behind us last week, I discussed with the 5 yo that if we ever get pulled over I’m going to simply say they are my childs. He cannot stand when people think I’m his parent. He argues with his classmates constantly about whether I am, in fact, his mom or his dad at pick up and drop off. I told him it would be unsafe for him to tell a pig I am not his parent; it could be dangerous to both him and me. I asked if he would be ok with pretending like we did at the library when we went to get library cards. He assented, but truly hates the idea. It remains crucial for him that I am not his parent. 9 yo wants my last name and openly considers me her dad, on the other hand.

‘At least I’m breathing
At least I’m alive
As long as I’m
Dreaming
Everything’s
Gonna be all right’

On Valentine’s Day, I brought home a cake and roses and was delighted to discover that we have given these children cake regularly enough that they are no longer impressed or excited by a new cake appearing on the table.

It has been two days without them and I am extremely ready for them to come home.

‘I’m all right
I tell myself twice
In the mirror
Before I can’t go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby
I need some time’
– Eve 6