I Was Not Born to Drown/Baby Come On

In the photos_{<I went through every single one of them>} I took from the House, there is roll after roll of Bea surrounded by pots of sprouting amaryllis and grape hyacinth and other spring bulbs and I keep finding myself coming back to those shots in my mind and just hating that she couldn’t have stayed that person. Or adjacent to that person. We deserved a mother who still treasured life and growth and blooming. Not a woman who neglected _{<at least>} three cats to death in different houses and uncounted birds both domestic and farm. A woman who slow-tortured countless plant and animal lives out of existence.

‘If the sun don’t shine
On me today
And if the subways flood
And bridges break’

Maybe there is no getting past the loss of potential. I don’t know how you stay so angry and small and scared that you never get better. I don’t know how you implode for decades and die hated and never try to make a change.

‘Will you lay yourself
Down and dig your grave
Or will you rail against
Your dying day’

I cleaned up almost all of the last of the garden today. The immature tomatoes and peppers whose parent plants have succumbed to frost and two cucumbers and a great quantity of carrots. _{<chop wood, carry water>} Everything remains so chaotic and I had to drive home for the third weekend straight to pick up death certificates and probate will take a thousand years to shake out. I know there is no normal anymore, but I would very much like my routine back and my peace.

‘Cuz if we don’t leave this town
We might never make it out
…
Leave a note on your bed
Let your mother know you’re safe
And by the time she wakes
We’ll have driven through the state
We’ll have driven through the night
Baby come on’
– Lumineers