‘Better End It Quick/ Or I Could Lose My Nerve’

Woke up and cried today. Same old.

‘She said
;While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio and wondering what you’re dreaming when;’

I don’t know how I’ll even make it until Henry goes at this rate.

‘;It came to mind that I
Didn’t care
And I thought
:Hell, if it’s over
I had better end it quick:;’

I have been trying to get myself to call the doctor about my referral.

‘;:Or I could lose my nerve:
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Have you forgotten?;’

It’s been more than a month. I can’t see a way this could play out that doesn’t involve me crying into the phone and begging. Therefore, I have been unable to pick up the phone and self-advocate. The clear message I’m getting is that I don’t deserve and will not receive help.

‘Just three miles from the rest stop
And my mouth’s too dry to rage
The light was shining from the radio
I could barely see her face’

I was never cut out to grow up.

‘But she knew all the words that I never had said
She knew the crumpled up promise
Of this broken down man
And as I 
Opened up the door
She said
;While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio and wondering what you’re dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn’t care
And I thought
:Hell if it’s over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve:
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?;’
– Matchbox20