‘All/I Want/Is/Love/Eternally/With Your Heart Facing Me’

We are neck deep in the dog balls of winter and I cannot catch air. I know_{<intellectually>} that I cannot personally make all five of us happy and hale single handedly but every day I wake up and try and try and try. We must imagine Sisyphus happy is the thing. The only boulder between me and the top of that hill is watching everyone else toiling and being unable to just take them in my hand and put them at the peak accomplished and comfortable and comforted.

‘With our bones on our backs
Our backs on our knees’

Two days ago, I was directed to pick the childs up early from school_{<9 yo is on antibiotics for Lyme and suffering of it>} and on our way home, a child and a beagle darted into the road on a bad hill. I slowed to a crawl, even as they gamboled back into the graveyard, then pulled over when the dog crossed back in my rearview. I keep slip leads_{<temporary, unsafe leashes>} and treats in my car for emergencies and the child with the beagle looked no bigger than my 9 yo. I asked the dog’s name while Benji backed away and away and away from me, despite treats and getting low and the _<careful>pitch of my call. His child chattered uselessly at me sharing all kinds of irrelevances to our immediate circumstances.

;Do you have a leash for Benji?;
.                                                          ;I do. But I’d have to get it at home;

‘Why can’t you see
The sky isn’t green
Anymore
Why don’t you know
What I need on these shores’

Finally, closed in on him, his hackles are raised but he is not growling. Seems fair; we don’t know each other. It comes into focus that the harness is slipped partly behind one front leg uncomfortably. I gamble and confidently reach out, grab his leg and the harness and immediately yelp as several hand bones crunch between Benji’s quietly snarling teeth.

;Oh, he bites;
.                        Yes, child, I am definitely noticing this, thank you.

‘Science says stones
Don’t fly through water
And souls don’t matter if you love your mother
If karma could dance
She’d tango forever’

Beagles are horrible dogs. This one backs up, almost certainly afraid of retaliation though he did not break my skin. Both child_{<whose name I never asked>} and dog seem quite used to expecting the worst from adults. Their resignation coats them filmily like an accretion of oil and is highlighted every time the child is too excited to respond to my questions because I’m not asking them mean. I toss the treat in front of Benji_{<aware that the act of throwing may accomplish the opposite of what I want>} to clear my hand — he does not take it, but does begin to slowly approach again — and give the slip lead to his child. I walk them through_{<from a safe distance>} sliding it into Benji’s harness and looping the handle through to secure child to dog.

‘And I’d sell my sleeves for some cloud
ridden weather’

When the child has looped the leash handle over their wrist, as directed, I hand over a last treat for Benji_{<they’re big enough to break into pieces>} and send them home without further discussion._{<it is weird to find yourself telling a third child that you have children in the car>} In the car, the childs are hooting and peppering me with questions before I can even stow the bag of treats back in the glove box. 9 yo is completely astonished that I just gave someone one of my slip leads. I explain to her that that’s exactly what they’re for. I carry one with me in case it’s needed by anyone I come across. The most helpful thing you can do for any loose dog is help them not be loose anymore and then go from there. I haven’t done rescue driving for years now, but it’s a good habit to have kept. And when I got the new car_{<in July>} I made sure to put a fresh bag of treats in the glovebox so they’d be reasonably fresh and appealing if needed.

Here, two days later, I am malingering and cranky in Horny Jail alone in the middle of the day trying to see if this joint will help make me joyous beneath this boulder. I know_{<intellectually>} it is just February and I am just bogged down; but every displeasure feels exactly as though I have slid eight feet back down my slope and there really isn’t much daylight to get work accomplished in this time of year. It’s always fading light and I am also very tired if I’m very honest.

‘Why can’t you see
Heaven 
Won’t 
Wait
For
Us
Salutations
And prayers are too
Laborous
All I want
is
Love
Eternally
With your heart facing me’
– Hey Marseilles