lost and broken

this will be written as one ongoing blurb fest with no punctuation hardly any spaces and i could care less about spellng mistakes…..I am broken…can’t breath cant see cant speak can hardly write broken…. ih ave no one that will listen since they all hate me going on and on about him….they all tell me shit like it’s going to fine….you are alright…. you are stronger than this….FUCK YOU IM FALLING APART……i can’t hear past the breaking sounds in my heart….why do they call it a broken heart if you hurt all over and are broken in every way not just your heart…the funny thing is i haven’t even gotten an answer….but i know he wants cheyene i know i have a kid with someone else and that’s alot to take in…..doesn’t make it any easier to handle him…i love him all his fucked up faults his man whorish ways….all the fights all the tears all the fucked up shit about us….i have come to realize iwas a really good actress for a long time 8 years in fact….i put up wth his whinning and his tears about other girls….held him from the brink of destruction over one of them…..stopped him from drinking his life away down the tubes….that beautiful fucked up aura of all sin and lust and love and passion and the most beautiful grey eyes you will ever see that man just oozes sex appeal and charm as if he breathed it out of him…i was never really his friend and i don’t think i could ever be…i thought i was so i was such a good actress i made myself believe that shit….i knew i always loved him in all that time….and yes his hapiness means everything to me….. i cant think straight cant work cant eat…this shit is fucked up….i need to get myself together but i am sooooo wrapped the fuck up in him that i don’t know where me starts and he begins which is not healthy in the slightest but still true in every way…..the poeple that do listen to me vent for all of 6 six seconds are telling me to reinvent myself….well FUCK ME how in the hell do you do that when you have been that somebody for 12 years….im kinda like an old dog that you cant teach new tricks too….i don’t know what to think what to say what to feel….i found my soulmate at 16 fucked it all up at 19 became his "bestfriend" jsut to keep him in my world in some form….thats some serious fucked up shit right there…..i just needed him there in any form any way every guy i have been with since him has not lived up to his legend of love with  me i fuck them all up every relationship…just recently i realized i have to be near him breath him in in a drug addict sort of way..everyone tells me not again dont fall again….again??????????? when did i stop when did i put on a mask so well made that i fooled all of you too think that i was ever okay without him in my life…….why in gods hell do i get fucked over for this……i blame myself for alot i put guilt on myself that just shoudn’t be there….im the nice one of my friends always caring always peaceful always elimintaing the drama saying guys guys wehre’s the love……FUCK ME KARMA sucks bals when you are the one eveyone goes to in a fight the one everyone goes to when advice is needed the one that carries the weiht of te world on her shoulders and never breaks WELL THIS FUCKING ROCK is pebbles now and fuck i look around no one NO ONE is around that fucking blows…he suppposed to be with me…MEEEE DAMMIT…..not with her who isn’t even a sure thing dammit…..she let him go…..but i cant begrudge her that because so did i onceupon a time……i was stupid and ran….lost……stolen from the light just because i was scared…….he came to my work last night and told me that he is scared cause is he ready to give up the single life and stay tied down with me…now blames me for being nice and taking it back and saying just be happy………..tells me to fuck off and thats unfair to him cause he was surprised at it…..what would come as a surprise about it……you’ve onlyjust slept with me for the first time in 6 years the other week…you have continuously stuck your tounge down my throat at the minis for the last 4 months when of course your other girl doesn’t take you home…….why do i take these scraps of attention from you….cause i love you….cause i don’t know how not to when around you….all my friends think im a moron cause i love you…..they don’t get how you have so much power over me all tell me its in my head justdont let him have the power….they just dont get it when you are so interwoven with someone like a soulmate that you fall instantly in love and have a tie with this person that can never be severed no matter the lectres no matter the bullshit no matter how much time passes and all that can make or break you lies in this persons feelings heart and his words…how do you move on from that how do you breath….. i woul dhate to use a twilight refrence but i feel like bella…..when shes broken and holds her outerbody together just to keep her insides kinda there……that;s me lying there in the dark searching for someothing that i can usually only open my mind and find your voice is now gone…….and you havent even said yes or no but you did tell your best friend whom i have known just as long that you really like cheyenne and you want to work it ot with her….but you wont tell me and just let me be released from this dirty filthy unhealthy cage you hold me in…instead you talk about "IF" like if we get together you want to moove to a house….if we get together blah blah blah blah and on and on and on just FUCKING BALLZ up you have with every other decision in your life just tell me so i can pick myself up in time and move the fuck on no shadows from you no voices….to a lonely deserted island with only your memories why tell me words of hope tell me you want her to not feel bad and to love me why even tell me you love me at all…..why why why why why……….FUCK I HATE THIS….i have kept this inside for 8 years….loving you from far away watching you make fucked up choices and kill the ones near you with your thoughtlessness…funny thing is even though all through all thiese bad things i have said about your character my heart is still yours….still wont let go…..still wont beat right without you….its liek the first time i looked at you my heart stuttered and reved up and beeen continuing at that pace ever since….it beats for you breaths for you….you are more than just everyhting….you ar it all finito mine in ever sense of the word i watch you desenstize and drink your life away cause you dont know how to live you dont know waht you want to be where to go….and i have always been the path to help you get whererever you are going…..this time it wont lead you to me i don’t think…..this could all be just some random bullshit and you could love me come home to me be inn my arms love me for just me like you have always said you would…..but alas i don’t think im worng this time cause honestly you look at her the way i look at you….when did i become not enough??????????