Thoughts from my journal

September 29, 2006

I’m frustrated. Feeling alone. I just want my leg to feel better and be ok. I’m frustrated ’cause there’s nothing I can do. I feel like isolating myself again. I wish Poulas were here. I want him to wrap his arms around me and just hold me. I feel better when he’s here. Like everything will be ok and things are right in my world ’cause he’s there. I’ve always felt like that. This is so hard not having him here. My friends have been great though. I just want him though right now. I called him earlier. No answer. He called me back but didn’t have much time to talk. 🙁 That’s how it’s been lately- too busy.

I need a break- from everyone and everything. I can’t deal right now. I don’t want to deal right now. I’m tired of things going wrong- Poulas leavin’, dreams shattering, cancer. When are things going to get better? When is something amazing going to happen? Am I destined to tragedy?

October 9, 2006. Monday @ 3:50p

Well, I don’t even know how to write all the things in my head. I think I need a break from everyone. The urge to pack up and run away is so overwhelming sometimes it’s all I can think about. Obviously I have the guts to do it (think South Carolina). Leave all this crap behind? Sounds good to me.

The leg is healing nicely. As soon as those stitches came out it felt better. Looks kinda nasty now though, ’cause some of it was starting to pull apart. But, it’s ok now. Thank God.

Work is going fine. Apparently they are going to start training me in Labor and Delivery- fun fun! Can’t ya tell I’m excited? I’m going to be so confused then. Oh well. Guess it’s required. I really like my job most days- unless people are crabs. Such is life I suppose.

I’m sick of asking the question “why”- Why isn’t Poulas here? Why aren’t things different? So many question unanswered. And they will probably all remain unanswered. I’d give everything I own to be with him. To have him love me the way I love him. I worry about him too much. I guess I just don’t want to get a phone call from one of the Bucevicius’ clan saying there’s a funeral I need to attend. I’m so scared. I don’t know why. He’s seemed fine lately- yeah, a little unhappy, but who wouldn’t be unhappy living with a jerk like Jurgis? I wish he’d just move back here, or ask me to run away with him. We’ve always complimented each other when we lived together. We could make it work again- this time we’d both have jobs and not with each other 24/7 like last time. It’d work. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Ugh.

October 9, 2006 Monday @ 7:02p

Got a phone call from Dr. Schneider’s office tonight. They drew a Prolactin level on my last week. It was elevated again. So, I was informed that I need to get an MRI of my head. They are looking for a tumor on my pituitary gland. Oh yay. Are things every going to go right in my life? I am a walking medical disaster. I swear!! I’m tired. I’m tired of holding on. Being strong- HA. I don’t want to be strong anymore. He’s a song that’s been playing over and over in my head… it’s called “Stand still, look pretty” by The Wreckers:

I want to paint my face

And pretend that I am someone else

Sometimes I get so fed up

I don’t even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time

And I hate the way you look at me I have to say

I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you’d take a walk in my shoes for a start

You might think it’s easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking

In the middle of the night

And then it hits me and I can’t

Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don’t want you to think I’m complaining all the time

And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths

I’m not strong enough to deal with it.

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you’d take a walk in my shoes for a start

You might think it’s easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty.

I don’t feel strong enough to take another blow. I will become a pessimist. I don’t want to do that. It feels like my life is crashing down around me and I’m totally helpless. Mom sees this as God getting my attention. Does He really have to put me through all this to get my attention? Man… kick me when I’m down for goodness sakes. I can’t bear it. I’m not strong enough. I am destined for tragedy. Isn’t that just wonderful?

Screw dreams. I don’t want them. I give up. On everything. What’s the point? This is all just pointless.

Ugh, time to eat and I haven’t even processed all this yet. I’m sure these entries will become more. It’s my only solace to this cruel, cruel world.

October 9, 2006 Monday @ 10:43p

Poulas called mom. Apparently Jurgis started beating the crap out of April and she’s in the hospital. He’s suppose to call back tomorrow with the details. So, between crying about my problems and missing him, I’m spent. I’m so tired. I know I should probably go to bed, but I just can’t bring myself to lay down. I just want to talk to him, but, I think he’s gone to bed already. Tomorrow I will talk to him for sure.

I wrote him a letter. Sending it in the am. Basically I told him I needed him and want him here. That I don’t want to go through this without him. We’ll see what happens.

Alissa