Ponderings……..

So, I found another song that I absolutely ADORE and the voices of these girls are amazing. Seriously. I can’t get enough of these songs. I know this feeling. It hit close to home… All day today I have wanted to bawl my eyes out. My mom called me today and I talked to Poulas for a little bit. He drove to Kentucky to see my mom yesterday and ended up staying the night and they’ve spent the entire day together today too. I would give anything to see him again. He feels a million miles away… when really it’s only an hour and a half flight from here. I wish I could just get on a plane and go spend the weekend with him. At the moment I can’t afford it. Actually, my wish would be that he would move back here. That I could see him everyday… that I could hug him and he could hug me everyday. That I would have the other half of my back. I’ve realized that him and I won’t be anything other than what we are… it’s honestly his friendship and companionship that I miss. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t think it’d be THIS hard. If only Kentucky would have worked out. Actually, I’m tired of all the “if only” sayings in my life. It didn’t work out. That’s the bottom line. I felt suffocated. I felt alienated from everyone, including myself. I thought it’d be good for me, but lately I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t always know what is good for me. Everything around me is familiar, but at the same time, it’s not. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I’m seeing everything I once knew in a different light. Have I changed THAT much? I know I’ve changed a little, but when did this big change happen? I feel like a stranger in my own hometown. But, I’m not miserable like I used to be when I lived here before.

There’s constantly a battle going on in my head. Most of the time I think I never should have left South Carolina, but then I think of the times I’ve had with Poulas because I left South Carolina. The times I was able to be there for him and his father. The chance of knowing Adolfas(Charlie)and getting to know him and loving him, and letting him become a part of my life. I miss him. Whenever I see squirrels I think about him… lol… that’s kinda funny, but it’s the truth. The whole Bucevicius family has become such a huge part of my life, that when Adolfas died, everyone made me feel like I was part of the family, and they accepted me as family. I hope we will continue to stay in contact in the years to come. Unfortunately, I will never be an actual part of their family, at least not by name. My dreams of becoming a Bucevicius have come to a halt, and I’m ok with that. They accepted me as part of the family once, why not continue? I never would have experienced all this had I stayed in South Carolina. I never would have been there for Poulas during his time of need. I’m not even sure Poulas would be here today if not for me and my family. He’s told me that he wouldn’t be here today if not for me and my parents. All the pain and agnony of moving back and what all I went through to be there for him has been worth it, and I would do it all again. Knowing I made a difference in somebodys life, even if it is only one person, means the world to me. I would give my life for his life if it ever came to that. I would do anything to make him or see him happy.

Anyways, so, here are the lyrics to that song. I’m fixin’ to go to eat some dinner and go to bed!!

Alissa

Broken heart one more time

Pick yourself up why even cry?

Broken pieces in your hands

Wonder how you’ll make it whole

You know, you pray

This can’t be the way

You cry, you say

Somethings gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said a broken heart would

sting at first and then make you stronger

I wonder why this pain remains

Were hearts made whole just to break

You know, you pray

This can’t be the way

You cry, you say

Somethings gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart

Creator only you take brokeness

And create it into beauty once again

You know, you pray

This can’t be the way

You cry, you say

Somethings gotta change

And mend this porcelain heart