strife life

  Well I’ve been pretty down lately. Don’t know why in particular. The cumulative meaning of my little but long, in relative terms, live.

I immediately sounding bored, but it was far from it all day. 

Seems like my whole life is pretty meaningless. I don`t know if I can get into the state-of-mind I was in earlier today.

Am through most of my life and there isn`t much to show. It is some faraway movie. I realize, as of late, that I had the potential to be certain things. I could`ve been, wanted to be. This effort itself, the urge to write, to go through these motions, is one where I am trying to mimic something.

God, I can“t even begin to say what was going on in my head earlier today…

I feel at times that I have never really materialized anything. I have tried, again and again, to be something, whether realistic or merely functional. I have tried to be someone. I wanted to be things when I was very young. I gradually dropped these aims as being unrealistic though I seemed to adopt ones, in turn, which were more unrealistic. I may also have simply forgotten them, I said to myself the other day that my hormones may have resulted in me dumbing-down my ambitions.

As I entered adulthood these dreams were eclipsed by my panic to understand what my ambitions, the most foolish of them, the desire to be a musician, meant, what relevance they had, were they merely delusions or instructions, injunctions or something demanded of me by expediencies of the bigger scheme of things. By this point I was fighting for my life yet again, trying to justify what seemed so imperative, universal, mandatory in my teens. Where I couldn`t find explanations, my mind may have tried to make them up.

This was a degrading time for me. I could only work with the skills I believed I had, but since it was purely speculative whether I had any at all I felt I had to give myself as little credit as I could and work with this as my raw material.The results were very difficult to obtain and proved next to nothing once obtained.

Eventually I decided to abandon all this and desist from struggling. That also proved to be another form of hardship.