New to This

Dear Diary,

I’m new to this platform so it’s going to take getting used to.  Life is crazy but, 2022 has gotten off to a rocky and not fun start for me and it should be the best year yet is my hope because I’m getting married this November.  I’ve been blessed in so many ways I think it’s important to show gratitude and recognize all the positive things in your life.  With that being said, I grew up having my grandparents by my side since they moved closer (10 minutes away) from my childhood home.  My relationship with that isn’t one you commonly see between grandparents and their grandkids solely because I saw them multiple times a week if not every day of the week.  They went to all my dance recitals and not just one of the shows but, usually all of them.  They were at every birthday.  Their house was my home away from home, my safe haven.  When the world felt small, when being the oldest of four was too much and I felt I wasn’t heard I could go to my grandparents.  They had an open door policy and welcomed everyone with open arms no judgement.  As it happens in life people age and with that comes health issues and physical problems.  My grandfather, a car enthusiast, active even at the age of 90 physically fit and still insisting to mow his own lawn, plow his driveway in the winter started having accidents where he would loose his footing and fall.  Noticing the frequency, pattern, and the visits to the ER growing more constant, my mom and her siblings decided that my grandfather shouldn’t be tackling staircases and that it was clear he needed to be in an assisted living facility he was having too many medical problems and it had become very overwhelming and too much for my grandmother in her late 80’s to tackle.  They agreed to sell the house and they were moving to Pennsylvania where we have a lot of family into a nice, fairly new assisted living facility.  Despite seeing and my fiancé and I helping pack everything up and getting rid of clutter it didn’t seem real.  I wasn’t going to have my grandparents now 30 minutes way after I moved to NY with my fiancé and the house that had become my second home would no longer be a part of my life.  Then one night late December I got a call, one I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy.  It was my mom there was no time for details and I knew the second she came on the line something was wrong.  There had been an accident involving a tractor.  My grandfather was with his son, my uncle they had it out in the driveway they were working on something deciding if it was in good shape to sell or whatever.  My uncle had to go to the garage to get something told my grandfather to wait there please don’t touch anything (out of concern that something may happen to avoid him trying to do something on his own).  Well, my grandfather being stubborn southerner he was didn’t listen and I’m not sure of what happened still to this day but, he fell, hit his head hard.  My mom was calling to tell me he had been rushed to the ER and was in ICU and that there was nothing that doctors could do and that if I wanted to say goodbye I needed to come now and as quickly as I could.  The memory of walking into that private room in the ICU will forever haunt me.  I’m grateful I saw him and got to say goodbye although I was so shocked and heartbroken I found myself tongue tied every time I would go to open my mouth and say something to him.

Loss is hard.  If you’ve ever lost someone family, friend you know the heartache and the struggle of trying to figure out how to move forward.  As if that isn’t enough to try to digest and make sense of, shortly after I lost my grandfather my mother who had been experiencing some health issues was rushed to the ER after a doctor appt. and she was admitted and that led to her being hospitalized, in and out of ICU from beginning of January for about the next five, five and half months.  After the hospital she went to a physical rehabilitation center she had to learn everything all over again how to walk, lift her hand, hold things, turn her head.  She was then moved after just over a month and half to another physical rehab center and is now home but, far from ready to be home she has a long road ahead of her.

It’s been hard here I am planning the most special important day of my life and my grandfather can’t offer his words of wisdom, won’t be there so I can take a picture with him or dance with him at my wedding and now, I deal with my mom not being in the right frame of mind to consult and ask her advice she has so much on her plate that it wouldn’t be fair to dump anymore on her and overwhelm her even more.  On top of all this I experienced a different kind of loss, the loss of who I called my best friend and who had agreed to be my Maid of Honor on my special day.  No, she didn’t pass away it’s more cruel than that.  Imagine knowing someone who has been you’re best friend for over 20 years and then watching as she clearly demonstrates you not being of value or any importance to her and pulling the rug out from under you.  Looking back I can see a few signs such as after she moved away when she would come back to my hometown in CT or be in the area she never could manage to make time to see me even would I would ask for a quick coffee hangout to catch up.  She knew how excited I was and she knew especially after my previous relationship that was abusive before meeting my fiancé that this meant the world to me and she couldn’t even try to make time to be at my bachelorette party even if she couldn’t stay the whole time, she never offered or asked what she could do to help, and even when I got engaged she never called or texted me to share my clear excitement all I got was a thumbs up emoji when I posted and shared the news of my engagement on Facebook.  I don’t know when it stopped, when did I stop mattering to her?  Did I ever matter to her?  Of course all the “what if” hypothetically she never cared about me or valued and wanted to be my friend. The things she said to me via text were disrespectful, rude, it angered me after I’ve bent over backwards for her on numerous occasions over the years I’ve realized she’s never come close to doing the same for me.  Some of my best memories, most treasured memories are linked with her so it makes it difficult because I find myself questioning her sincerity going all the way back to the first time we met but, I know dwelling on it does no good either.

I guess all said and done after a very long venting post and if you’ve made it to the end reading thank you for listening but, I’m trying to figure out how to move on.  Stay tuned for more venting about sibling rivalry and how in the world I’m going to get through a month and a half of my sister, her husband, and my year and half nephew coming to visit from New Zealand not sure how in the world that’s going to go and it has me nervous to say the least!