Top 25 Charlie Sheen FACTS!!!

1. Charlie Sheen’s scoreboard never lies.

2. Charlie Sheen can cure diseases with his brain, cure it with his mind, with a 100% success rate.

3. Despite the commonly held belief, Charlie Sheen is NOT Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson was a pussy.

4. Charlie Sheen can heal at a pace that your unevolved mind cannot process.

5. Little known to most folks, Charlie Sheen, along with all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in his life, are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks.

6. Charlie Sheen deals with fools and trolls by performing strafing runs in his underwear before his first cup of coffee in the morning.

7. Charlie Sheen both loves and hates with violence.

8. Charlie Sheen defeats earthworms with his words but isn’t afraid to brandish his fire breathing fists when combating higher vertebrates.

9. Charlie Sheen only accepts apologies from a supplicant while having his feet licked during the apology.

10. You will know when Charlie Sheen is pissed at you because when he is, he will refer to you by your Hebrew name, even if you don’t have one, while he embarrasses you in front of your children.

11. Charlie Sheen is addicted to winning.

12. Charlie Sheen bears a striking resemblance to an F-18, especially while he’s napping. And he will destroy you in the air and deploy his ordinance to the ground if you let him.

13. Charlie Sheen has magic poetry in his fingertips.

14. Charlie Sheen was one mistaken for a battle-tested bayonet during a fair fight.

15. Charlie Sheen cannot be processed by a normal human brain at any time whatsoever.

16. Charlie Sheen delivers the goods at EVERY FRICKIN’ TURN.

17. Charlie Sheen, despite being a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars, was once mistook for a selfish exit strategy.

18. Charlie Sheen’s blood type is "Tigerish," which allows him to accept and donate blood to tigers with no ill effect.

19. Charlie Sheen can effortlessly and magically convert tin cans into pure gold.

20. Charlie Sheen’s secret weapons for winning any war are zeal and focus and violent hatred.

21. Charlie Sheen fuels the battle cries of his deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers on his own resentments almost exclusively. And these soldiers are all around you. Right now.

22. Charlie Sheen’s parties are so epic, they make Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, and Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.

23. Charlie Sheen is classified as the most powerful drug in existence by the US Food and Drug Administration, the Drug Enforcement Agency, and the Center for Disease Control. It’s not available anywhere because a single dose of any size is instantly lethal to anyone but Charlie Sheen.  Side effects include your face melting off and a spontaneous exploding of the body (over which your children will undoubtedly weep).

24. Charlie Sheen’s genetic makeup is comprised of Adonis DNA. Whether he is related to the Marvel comic book character or the mythical Greek hero is both debatable and irrelevant.

25. Charlie Sheen lives a life that everyone is jealous of. Including you.

More coming soon as the meltdown continues…

-HDS