Top 12 reasons why the iPhone sucks. [updated]

[Update!!!]
It looks like Apple decided to wise up and offer the iPhone 8GB for only $399 in change. Which means that all of you morons who stood in line for two days to be one of those cutting edge nerds with the first on his/her block to get an iPhone just got iPwned. The good news is that they cut my 12 item list down to 11. Keep it up, Apple!

This article was originally supposed to be titled "Top 10 Reasons why the iPhone sucks," but the truth is that the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the iPhone really is nothing more than a big joke courtesy of Apple Computer, and the joke is on us. So far, all that Apple Computer has managed to do is to hype up digital media that has been around for a decade (digital music) and half-bake a trendy media player (because media players didn’t exist until iPods came out) and proceeded to sell their players that are tied into their proprietary music download program – proving that Apple can’t make it on its own without forcing their customers to buy only their crap (take that, mac users).

Now that I am done with that rant, it’s on to the Top Ten Twelve Reasons why the iPhone sucks:

12). You won’t be able to make calls using voice dialing or even speed dial:
One of the great things about my phone is that I have one-touch speed dialing and even voice-dialing if I decide I am too lazy to look up a number or just don’t give a shit at the moment. This handy little feature is absent from the iPhone because I guess the people at Apple get off on the idea that you will have to use their nifty touchpad screen to call your buddies. I guess I should be thankful that Apple decided to ditch conventional wisdom in exchange for all the benefits that a high-tech touch screen can offer. For example, not a damn thing.

11). You won’t be able to assign one of the songs in your music library as a ring tone:
I had to do a double take when I found out about this. So I can download music on to my phone, but I can’t use it for a ringtone? What? I kinda figured that the whole point of having a music phone would be that I can use the music with my phone. Even services like Sprint will allow you to use MP3s as ringtones as long as you buy the MP3 from them – iPhones don’t even give you that option. Nice going, geniuses.

10). The built-in Web browser doesn’t support Flash or Java applications:
At a time in history when most major websites use at least some Flash animation, if not complete Flash interactivity, I don’t see why Apple couldn’t figure out that having their browser support them might be a good idea. Then again, it doesn’t really matter since it would take no less than a year to load a flash site on your iPhone browser anyway, which brings me to my next point…

9). The AT&T wireless internet service is even slower than dial up:
The good news about the wireless internet browsing feature on the iPhone is that it works great if you are in a Wi-Fi hotspot. The bad news is that if you are not in a Wi-Fi hotspot or you can’t pay to use the one you are at, you are forced to use the AT&T EDGE network for your internet connection, which pretty much makes your 56k relic from the early 90s look like a dam 3G network. I am guessing they decided that a 3G made way too much sense and stuck the customer with a shitty connection instead. Pretty good deal for $60 a month, except when it isn’t, which is pretty much whenever you want to go online. By the way, I know Steve Jobs says that Apple will be making their phones 3G capable, which is awesome because it proves that the people getting one now at retail price are going to get assed out once the new phone comes out. Of course, there is an equally good chance that AT&T won’t get their shit, and a 3G network, together in time, proving me right anyway. Oh yeah, and before you ask, you can’t download music wirelessly with your iPhone, you still gotta do it the old fashion way. Weak.

8). The phone doesn’t support instant messaging:
Pretty much any phone on the market has its own web-browser which also includes connectivity to AOL, Yahoo! IM, MSN Messenger, or some other messaging service. That is, until iPhone came along and decided to substitute hype for conventional practicality. Despite the web-browsing ability, this phone does not support instant messsaging – you will need to text like everyone else.

7). The camera quality is shit:
If you are an avid phone photographer, don’t bother with the iPhone. Not only is the picture quality poor for the iPhone digital camera (2 megapixels when many cameraphones are up to 5mpx), but zoom and digital video, which is already available on non-iPhone cellulars isn’t allowed on the iPhone. Even my shitty phone which I got for $100 takes digital video. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that you can’t send pictures using the text messaging service, unlike pretty much every other phone on the planet.

6). There are no mobile games available for the iPhone:
Video games for your phone are pretty much one of the hottest markets right now. Simple games like Bejeweled, Sudoku, and even Tetris are making a comeback, thanks to boring professionals who already don’t have enough free time on their hands that they can waste more of it playing video games on their cellphones when they should be doing anything else, like their dam job. The geniuses at Apple must have completely forgotten about this market, since their phone has no games of any kinds. And remember that Java and Flash don’t work in the browser at all, so you don’t even have the option of playing online games. Lame.

5). It probably won’t work with most current iPod accessories, including docking stations and car adapters:
I will be very surprised if the iPhone works with ANY iPod accessories not specifically made for the iPhone because compatibility isn’t exactly one of Apple’s strong suit, which is why applications like iTunes pretty much fail to work on the new Vista platform with downloading a special software patch and many of their programs and games, which are total shit, only run on a Mac.

4). Neither the battery nor the memory card in the phone can be removed:
This pretty much means that your contact list can’t be used with other phones, you WILL be paying high roaming charges for using it overseas, you can’t reset the phone if it freezes, and if the battery dies, you are pretty much fucked – I hope you live next to an Apple store.

3). The memory size is ridiculous:
It sucks when you have an 8GB phone when 700K of that phone is already being allocated to the shitty Mac OS X operating system. And when you consider that an average iPod can have up to 80GB of disk space, which is important since movies that play on an iPod video are typically 2-4 GBs, you are pretty much getting assed out in the storage department.

<strong style="COLOR: white”>2). Runs on Mac OS:
Not only is the Mac OS probably one of the most user-unfriendly (and that is pretty much what I call an operating system that treats its users like children), but since also happens to be the most developer-unfriendly, the only way you can get additional applications is by getting them through Apple. Sometimes, I wonder why people get all up in Bill Gates’ shit about Windows being the a PC OS monopoly when independent developers are still able to develop applications relatively easy for Windows when the same can’t be said for Apple systems.

And now, the #1 reason why the iPhone sucks:

1). The damn price tag.

Am I the only one who believes it is nothing short of criminal to charge $599 for a phone and to include with that a mandatory 2-year AT&T contract that is a bargain at $60/month for service? And it’s shitty Cingular wireless service at that. I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to buy this crap until I saw the lemmings at the doors waiting to get their hands on the iPhone. And forget about using it as an music player without getting AT&T’s service first, the music player features won’t work unless you activate your service.

Bottom line, the iPhone is a first-generatoin bullshit gadget that reminds me of the G4 Cube, the Apple Newton, and all the other asshole ideas of Steve Jobs that crapped out. In fact, the iPod is the only hit out of nearly a decade of misses for Apple. I don’t have too much faith in the Apple TV right now either.

It’s a shame that the iPhone doesn’t have anything that a standard iPod and a seperate phone that doesn’t suck has – which is why you see, and will continue to see, people rocking out on their iPod and chatting/web-surfing with their Blackberry/Treo. At least then you won’t have to worry about your phone battery dying because you were listening to music, using the trendy touchscreen, or talking on the phone for FIVE HOURS. WTF? I have a better idea – ditch this bullshit and get yourself a PhonePod. You don’t even have to buy one if you have a phone and an iPod already, all you need to buy is some duct tape. Even if you don’t have either one yet, getting a high-end smart phone is $300 if you shop around and an iPod video with 80 GB is typically around $350 – you pay $50 more than you would for an iPhone for a phone that actually functions (some even get internet/satellite radio) and an iPod that can hold up to 20,000 songs and doesn’t run off the same battery that is powering your phone. An extra bonus is that if you are an asshole that loses shit all the time, you have less of a chance of losing your phone and music player at the same time. Don’t buy an iPhone.

-His Divine Shadow