The Oscar: Spoonfeeding people opinions since 1929

 Nobody with a mind of their own cares about what some Asshole Academy thinks. 

Once again, another night of Oscars have come and gone. I, fortunately, was at work at the time, meaning that I did get to hear about who won, but in the relative safety of the internet, protected from the bullshit that I know permeated the whole scene in the form of shitty speeches and lame performances by has-beens/hacks. Anyway, after getting home from another grueling day at work, I wondered after the awards were over if the movies that got awards were actually any good. Unfortunately, nobody was able to help me figure this one out since no normal people have seen any of these movies.

Seriously, I didn’t even know half these movies existed until assholes were bitching about them (the Clint Eastwood one) a few months before the Oscars. And even before that, I heard the chant that the Academy was trying to go for the more "sophisticated" look by avoiding popular movies and going for art pictures no one has ever seen before. Could a body be more of an elitist prick? This is the exact same bullshit that pseudo-intellectuals pull when they talk about the Existential themes prevalent in the works of Ernest Hemmingway, even though they’ve never read any of his books before. Sorry asshole, but Cliff’s notes don’t make you educated and witty – they make you a jackass.

Anyway, I don’t think I am alone when I say that 99.9% of the Academy Award winners were total shit and that they didn’t deserve what they got. But it pisses me off more that the opinions of an academy of snobs matters more than people who actually watch movies to be entertained and don’t care about profound subtexts or complicated plots. Sadly, the Oscars don’t represent anything remotely resembling public opinion on what is actually good.

According to Box Office Figures, the following movies were the top 10 in 2004:

Box Office EarningsMovie Title

$436,471,036
Shrek 2

$373,377,893
Spider-Man 2

$370,274,604
The Passion of the Christ

$273,488,020
Meet the Fockers

$258,938,368
The Incredibles

$249,358,727
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

$186,739,919
The Day After Tomorrow

$176,049,130
The Bourne Supremacy

$169,378,371
National Treasure

$162,458,888
The Polar Express

If that wasn’t enough, the following films were the top 10 rated by the Internet Movie Database:

Total VotesScoreMovie Title

40385 Votes
8.6/10
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

39752 Votes
8.3/10
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)

36540 Votes
7.9/10
Spider-Man 2 (2004)

32704 Votes
7.9/10
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

31473 Votes
7.4/10
The Passion of the Christ (2004)

30913 Votes
7.0/10
Troy (2004)

24593 Votes
7.6/10
Shrek 2 (2004)

22940 Votes
7.6/10
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

22490 Votes
7.1/10
The Incredibles (2004)

22416 Votes
6.5/10
The Village (2004)

And finally, the only award show where normal people actually matter, the People’s Choice Awards results (these only include movies for brevity’s sake).

CategoryWinner

Favorite Movie Comedy:
Shrek 2 (2004)

Favorite Animated Movie:
Shrek 2 (2004)

Favorite Movie Drama:
Passion of the Christ, The (2004)

Favorite Sequel:
Shrek 2 (2004)

Favorite Motion Picture:
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

While I can (and will) argue that most of these movies are boring and shitty, it can’t be denied that a lot of other assholes also liked them too. But notice that you won’t see any Oscar movies in here. Where is Million Dollar Baby? Where is Hotel Rwanda? I don’t see Sideways in here anywhere, do you? Is it possible that people really don’t see movies fitting the arbitrary distinction of what’s "good" (in the case of movies like Donnie Darko, yes it is.)? Or is it far more likely that the Academy, in all their wisdom and elegance, created their own criteria one what constitutes a "good" movie, decided to prop up "deep" movies that make them look really sophisticated, and prove once and for all that the Oscars are truly unrepresentative of popular demand or movie quality? It doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out. But good movies deserve recognition. Therefore, I am here to display the Best Movies Ever, winners of the His Divine Movie Award, which is the only award that really matters, to me anyway. The rules are simple – each winneris decided by vote, and mine is the only vote that counts. Only movies I would actually consider buying or already own are listed. So onward with the awards:

 Watch these movies or find out what this mace tastes like 

Dawn of The Dead: I just saw Dawn of the Dead. That movie rips ass, and this is coming from someone who thinks that all horror movies are boring and shitty. Any man who doesn’t like this movie is a fucking girl. It has everything: guns, explosions, tits, zombies, more explosions, and a badass soundtrack. Even the special features were worth watching and not just a waste of disc space like they are in other DVDs. The only thing that would make this movie rule harder would be if it included ninjas, and I get the feeling they are saving those for the sequel. I did hear rumours that the first Dawn of The Dead by George Romero was also based on a satirical swipe at modern day consumerism. Fortunately, none of that political bullshit crept into this film, or at least if it did, it was easily ignoreable. If you are looking for a great movie from 2004, see Dawn of the Dead. If you aren’t a pussy, see it at 1am like I did.

Resident Evil Apocalypse: That movie was also too sweet unless you care about drama, dialogue, complex plots, or other bullshit that only women and guys who use scented body wash give a dam about. Most of that shit gets in the way 90% of the time. Think about it, if your entire city was being taken over by zombies, would your first priority be to come up with a good plot before thinking about how to survive with your neck? Me neither. 1 hour and 35 minutes of non-stop ass kickery is all I gotta say. There are a few pauses to make room for hand to hand combat with mutants and tit shots of topless stripper zombies (really). That last part alone should get this movie nominated for His Divine Movie Awards, in other words, the best award ever for movies. Everything about this movie kicks ass. If a movie doesn’t have topless zombies, unstoppable mutant warriors, and babes with guns, it has failed as a movie.

I can’t think of any other movies that are worthy of mention, thus cementing the fact that 2004 blows for movies.

Finally, I don’t think this review of the highly publicized sham called the Oscars would be complete without an honorable mention of Michael Moore, the loser who didn’t win. Michael Moore did not have his say in The Oscars this year, primarily because he is an idiot. The good news is that nobody had to hear Moore go Howard Dean on us like he did last time and risk having a stroke on stage. If you wanna know why he wasn’t even considered for an Oscar this year:

"The reelection of George W. Bush probably sealed the fate of Fahrenheit 9/11 as a contender for the best picture Oscar, analysts concluded Tuesday after the Michael Moore documentary failed to receive a single nomination. Moore was philosophical about it all, noting in an interview with USA Today that his movie had "won the top prize at Cannes, the People’s Choice Award, opened No. 1 at the box office and grossed ($220.7 million) worldwide. … That’s more good fortune than any film deserves for one year." (Today’s Los Angeles Times observed that the combined gross of the five best picture nominees was just under $205 million.) By airing his movie on TV the night before the November presidential election, Moore effectively withdrew it from contention in the best documentary category. (Under academy rules, a documentary may not be considered for an Oscar if it airs on TV within nine months of its theatrical release) He said at the time that he wished to focus on a best picture nomination. But the strategy failed."

His "strategy" isn’t the only thing that failed. But being the nice guy that I am, I am willing to give Michael Moore a fair and balanced evaluation. Following are the accomplishments and defeats of Moore’s movie Fahrenheit 9/11:

Accomplishments:
• Won the top prize at Cannes: This is clearly a great accomplishment, because everyone knows that this award was an impartial and fair judgment, since the French would never be so petty and bitter as to award an anti-American film a high honor just to spite a country that doesn’t believe in perpetual surrender and sucktitude like they apparently do.

By the way, those people who think that Michael Moore/Fahrenheit 9/11 isn’t anti-American can eat shit. I am sick of people bitching about how "Moore loves America and free speech so much that he wants to make it a better place." This argument doesn’t work if a body is trying to "improve" America by eliminating/changing everything that makes America what it is. If you hate everything America stands for, they you hate America. Saying that Moore loves America is like a Muslim saying that he loves Christians so much that he is going to do his damndest to convert them into Muslims. How can he claim to love Christians if he seeks to destroy and change that which makes them Christians, you dumb cocks? Same thing goes for Michael Moore. Love him or hate him, I don’t care. But if you think Michael Moore is not anti-American, you are full of shit. If you truly love him, love him and his works for being the un-America crap-fests that they are (and believe it or not, there ARE actually people out there with balls who will admit to his being anti-American, and still admire him for that).

• Got 1st place at the People’s Choice Award: Normally, this would be a good thing, since the People’s Choice award actually reflects the opinion of the American people, Unfortunately, in 2003, Bruce Almighty won the People’s Choice Awards. Before that, My Big Fat Greek Wedding won a People’s Choice award. I think it’s safe to say that any credibility the People’s Choice might have had has been pretty much destroyed by these selections alone. I can only conclude that the PCA is like any other popularity contest; only pieces of shit actually win. If you don’t believe me on that, think back to your high-school student body elections. Or who was the Prom Queen during your year. I rest my case.

• Opened No. 1 at the box office: So did American Pie, starring a guy who put his dick in a pie (by the way, you’re welcome for letting me spoil the most important part of the movie for you. The rest is even less worth seeing, trust me). Having said that, I don’t think this really counts as a great accomplishment. Shit, even Catwoman opened up #1 and it was considered one of the worst movies of 2004. Then again, "the worst of 2004" is a pretty big category on its own. Anyway,the point is, movies don’t open up #1 at the box because they are the best; they open up #1 at the box office when they get the most hype. And Michael Moore is the king of hype. That is why you never see commericals for his movies, even in California. The media and his asshole fans do his legwork for him.

• Grossed $220.7 million worldwide: This is good news, because it means that Michael Moore is 220.7 million steps closer to being one of the rich capitalist pigs he so despises. I am still waiting for him to make a movie about how Canada is better than the US, even though Canada buys out products, wears our clothes, speaks our language, watches out movies, and listens to our music.

Failures:
• Didn’t win an Academy Award, which is the only award in movies that actually matters.

• Bush still got reelected president, which ultimately defeated the whole purpose of this movie. Moore plans to retaliate against this "injustice" by making another documentary called Fahrenheit 9/11.5. So far from what I’ve heard, this documentary will be a film about him whining like a little bitch for 90 minutes about how life isn’t fair.

There is one thing about the Oscars that I was impressed with, however. I thought it was really classy that all the nominees were brought to the stage before the award was announced so the losers could be throughly humiliated in front of their peers. I don’t know which pisses me off more, Actors who pretend that losing isn’t a big deal, or the assholes who throw a tantrum like a five-year-old when they lose a-la Bill Murray. But I win either way if both groups can be utterly humiliated.

-His Divine Shadow