The Most Awesome News Entry Ever.

*DISCLAIMER*

This is probably the longest news entry I have ever done. I thought about cutting it down because A). This entry is really long, and B). It kicks so much ass that it will probably blind some of the newer readers to my diary, and that is before making them shit their pants in excitement. Seriously, Bono from U2, chess champ Bobby Fischer, and the entire information sales industry get 0wned in this entire entry alone. But I decided to post the whole thing anyway, because I am tired, and tomorrow, I have to write an entry degrading to women, because I haven’t done that in a long time. Oh yeah, and if anyone is expecting anything about Terri Salvo in this entry, don’t bother proceeding – you won’t find anything about that hype in here.

U2’s Bono Should Head World Bank, Paper Urges
What the hell? When I first red this article, I thought I was having a stroke. Or hallucinating. But then I red it again. Yep, another pompous celebrity asshole thinks he knows anything about serious topics like world economics. I think Bono has already done the world enough of a disservice by releasing that yawn-fest of a new release that I won’t get into, mainly because that entire CD was a travesty to modern rock. It sucked so bad that even U2 fans are rebelling against this aging has-been of a band. Don’t believe me? Read what his fans on Amazon have to say about his latest release "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb". I wish they found a way to dismantle a shitty band called U2. You know you suck when your own fans turn stag on you. Shit, that hasn’t even happened to me yet, and everyone knows I’m a total cock-bite.

So far, the L.A. times has said nothing that impresses me about this idea of putting a loser in the World Bank. The primary argument for this idea?

"Don’t be fooled by the wraparound sunglasses and the excess hipness," the Los Angeles Times said. "Bono is deeply versed in the issues afflicting the least-developed nations of the world."

Nice try, L.A. Times, but what the hell does being "deeply versed" mean? Is he proficient in the study and/or application of economics? I’d sure like to see Bono produce some evidence supporting how "versed" he is in world economics that does not include guided tours to Africa in his private jet with a bunch of rich folks. Does he even know what the World Bank does, or is this another lame attempt by a know-it-all celebrity to get his name out there, champion a liberal cause, and pretend like he actually knows what he is talking about? Hell, if that is the way to go, why don’t we nominate Bill Pullman, Michael Douglass, or Martin Sheen to be the next president? They played presidents on TV and in the movies. Or for that matter, why not nominate me for the head of the U.S. Army? I consider myself "deeply versed" in modern warfare, even though I don’t have a shred of proof to back up this claim. I sure hope nobody really takes that suggestion seriously, because I personally favor the annihilation of countries that don’t speak English. Not because I think English is better than other languages (and I do) but simply because diplomacy with countries that can’t speak my language sounds like too much work.

I’d like to know how some has-been "rock" star is supposed to somehow have better ideas on how to solve the problems of poverty in the world that hasn’t been thought up yet by experts who have been spending their entire lives trying to pursue the problem. And for all you liberal arts majors, giving the poor countries more money from rich countries doesn’t solve the problem. If you can’t figure out why, grow brains, get out of your useless curriculum and take an economics class.

The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund both have very serious problems associated with them, in particular, the methods they choose to help other nations develop economically and how to avoid repeating the same mistakes they’ve made in the past, like handing out money to poor countries with no oversight, allowing corrupt dictators to embezzle the money and run, shouldering the poor people who had nothing to do with it with the resulting debt. The last thing they need is some passionate hippy dumbass dictating that more aid needs to flow to third world countries, despite the World Bank’s abysmal record in "rescuing" nations from poverty. It is going to take more than "sham[ing] the rich nations into meeting their development aid goals." What it’s going to take is someone with a brain and some balls. And after years of pretending like he is still popular in the music scene, Bono is fresh out of both.

Firms Taking Action Against Worker Blogs
For all of those assholes who want to know where I work, fuck you. This is a reason why I will never tell as long as I still work there. Oh yeah, and also because it is none of your fucking business. Go away.

Top Five Online Scams
If you aren’t smart enough to understand why you shouldn’t open up attachments from anonymous e-mails, this article is for you. Then again, assuming you can actually read is probably a great leap of faith if you answered yes to that last statement.

Spain Muslims Issue Fatwa Against Bin Laden
All I got to say is ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Too many assholes tell me, "not all Muslims are terrorists." This may be true, but it is also true that nearly all terrorists are Muslims. And for the most part, their non-terrorist counterparts in Arab countries say little or nothing in protest.

Aside from the anti-terror rallies in Iraq (by the way, all you assholes who say that "Iraqis supports the insurgency" can suck it now, the masses have spoken), when was the last time that you heard Muslims protesting about the atrocities that are committed by "extremists?" Have you ever seen protests regarding suicide bombings of civilians in Israel? What about the kidnapping and murder of children in Russia by Chechen rebels? Do you hear Muslims apologizing for the terrorism and death they inflict in Thailand and the South Philippines, or are they too busy bitching about how the "crusade" is trying to exterminate them in an act of genocide, even though the total Muslim populationis one billion and growing? Shit, even when Ariel Sharon was held responsible for the deaths of Muslims in Sabra and Shatila, Muslims weren’t protesting, but ISRAELIS WERE.

In the U.S. when it was discovered that Iraqi prisoners were being abused, we didn’t just clam up – investigations were done, which led to the arrest and convictions of several officers of the military. That still doesn’t make it right, but the point is that Americans disapproved of and disassociated themselves with these heinous crimes. What does that tell you? When non-Muslims are responsible for the massacre of people, I notice they are quick to apologize and/or protest, but Muslims are remarkably silent about the atrocities performed by their people. Did anyone see any Muslims protesting the attacks on the World Trade Center? Nope, because they were too busy celebrating. Same thing with Palestinian death bombers. They try to portray themselves as victims, but end up looking too much like xenophobic monsters. And did anyone see any protests from the Muslim heartlands when Nick Berg and others had their heads sawed off with rusty blades while they were still conscious? And had this grisly image broadcast all over the world? And I have yet to see a single Arab nation denounce the Darfur Janjaweed massacre of non-Muslim blacks in the Sudan. My guess is they are too busy demonizing Israel, the only democratic nation in the land that allows reasonable political and economic freedoms. Truth is, Muslims in all these instances are remarkably silent when it comes to atrocities committed by their brethren. Or at least, they were until now.

Now Mahmoud Abbas is actually interested in talking with non-Muslims instead of blowing them up. He hasn’t put his foot down as far as he should, but it’s a start. Just a few days ago, Iraqi citizens themselves took up arms against insurgents and shot them dead. Lebanese are finally objecting to the occupation of their land by Syria. And Spanish Muslims are actually protesting the acts of extremists. Good for them. I wish all Muslims would spend less time putting out "awareness" campaigns, promoting themselves as victims of unfair stereotypes, and more time actually doing something to diffuse them.

Report: Many Discount Medical Cards a Sham
Normally, I would consider this an excellent article, except for one crucial point – it doesn’t name names. I clicked on the link that did the actual research. Nope, nothing there either. These people could have been performing a service to humanity, but instead, they use their "research" as hype. More details on this one coming soon.

U.S. May Restrict Sale of Social Security Numbers
This is a good idea, but I have a better one:

The U.S. SHOULD BAN THE SALE OF SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS.

As far as I am concerned, companies like ChoicePoint and LexisNexis shouldn’t exist. Why? Because they provide no useful service to society. Seriously, there are only three types of people who actually buy sensitive shit like Social Security Numbers from these scumbags:

1). Spammers, Credit Card Companies, and other advertisers trying to sell you shit you don’t need and generally annoy the hell out of you.
2). Information companies like U.S. Search that make the world a better place by providing stalkers with the necessary tools to track their quarry.
3). Scumbag "private investigators" who act like detectives, even though they really aren’t detectives.
4). Companies doing background checks on individuals, because they’d rather pay a private company for information that was stolen from private citizens rather than do the logical thing, and call the authorities for information regarding criminal records.

From the above examples, I can only think of one customer that should have a limited amount of data regarding information, and that is the last one. If a company wants to do a background check, they shouldn’t have to resort to buying information that was divulged without consent from the applicant anyway. If a company wants check for a criminal background, why not call the authorities? For credit checks (powers only know why an employer would need one of these), call their bank. Seriously, it isn’t that hard. And none of it has to involve really sensitive information like addresses, phone numbers, or social security numbers. If someone wants to apply for a loan, they should have the ability to WILLFULLY divulge the information. If they choose not to, fine, loan is denied. But that is still preferable to a bank going behind the customers back to LexisNexis.

Nothing about these companies is good. After tons of people got ripped off when a team of assholes posing as a fake company got a bunch of information from people from ChoicePoint, what did ChoicePoint do to solve the problem? They notified people. How lame. That isn’t doing anything, bitch. That would be like some AIDS-ridden bastard calling all the people he has infected to "notify" them that they are going to die. How does that help anyone? If you ask me, the AIDS d00d should be locked up for murder and ChoicePoint should be reimbursing everyone defrauded through their negligence. I normally don’t advocate class actions lawsuits, considering how eerily they resemble racketeering shakedowns and extortion, but I think in this case, it is warranted. What makes this crime especially heinous is that the people who are being ripped off by ChoicePoint never consented to having their information released – usually it is third parties, from marketing companies to the U.S. government itself stabbing their patrons in the back by releasing sensitive information to a company in return for cash. Even in the AIDS example, the person who had unprotected sex with the infected person is partially responsible, for being so irresponsible. In the ChoicePoint example, the victim isn’t responsible at all, because they never had a say or control over what happens to their information.

This is what happens to people who end up defrauded when companies like ChoicePoint end up handing out information to the wrong people and getting assholes in trouble. And bastards like ChoicePoint and LexisNexis never pay restitution to any of the victims of this crime. This is beyond despicable and needs to stop.

Top Cardinal Blasts ‘Da Vinci Code’ as ‘Cheap Lies’
Looks like I am not the only one who thinks this book sucks. Granted, it is a book that talks shit about the Catholic Church, so naturally, a Cardinal would think it sucks, but that’s still one more person who sees it my way.

Speaking of which, I have gotten numerous complaints coming from illiterate berks who think there is still something wrong with my giving a book I’ve never red a bad review. For those of you who have noted me with this message, I would like to take this time to respond:

WHO CARES???

Seriously, who does? Are you one of those kids who had to put your hand on the burning stove, and had to stick forks in the wall outlets to understand why these are bad ideas? I don’t have to read this book because I know it sucks. 99.9% of over-hyped bullshit does. It’s a known fact that many people who read this book hype it because it makes them feel smart, not because it is any good. Most people who are avid readers who have red Dan Brown and acknowledge that his book is fiction actually think most of what he writes is sub-par shit, and I will trust that opinion more than I will trust some jackass who thinks he knows everything there is to know about Christianity based on reading a fiction novel.

The same shit goes for movies. Once I’ve seen a shitty movie, I have less of a right to bitch about it because I supported it. It would be like me denouncing slavery only after I enslaved people and decided that owning slaves just wasn’t for me. Every time I pay to see a lousy movie, the people responsible for pushing that garbage into the public have won, and I have lost. Think of my reviews of movies I have never seen (which is coming up soon) as a preemptive strike. Or a spiteful entry directed towards people who expect me to drink shit before complaining about the foul taste in my mouth.

Kin of Slain Protester Suing Caterpillar
So far, I haven’t decided what is more pathetic – the fact that some dumb American protestor chick who got in front of a moving bulldozer got bulldozed (big surprise), or the fact that her dumbass parents are now suing the people who made the bulldozer. It’s times like this that I hate America.

America is the one country in the entire industrialized world where people can sue for stupid reasons and actually have their case heard. And if they lose, big deal, they still get to stick it to the plaintiff in legal fees and court costs. In a perfect world, assholes like this girl’s parents would file a ridiculous suit like this, lose, and be forced to pay the legal fees and court costs of the opposition who they tried to bully.

The point is, Rachel Corrie is a dumb condescending son of a bitch. For those of you who don’t know the story, Corrie is a pro-terrorist protestor who got what she deserved when she tried to stop the Israeli military from punishing Palestinian terrorists who kill civilians as a matter of course by trying to block a moving multi-ton Caterpillar bulldozer using nothing but her body and her big mouth. Personally, I think if this means one less protestor bitching, the Israeli Military has done the world a public service. But I can’t credit Caterpillar for that victory because they just supplied the goods, and anyone dumb enough to sue someone for that deserves to get bulldozed too.

Garry Trudeau: Bush ‘Apparently Thinks Propaganda’s OK’
I like how Trudeau, the engineer behind the comic abomination known as "Doonesbury" thinks that there is something wrong with Bush promoting propaganda, when in fact, Trudeau does this every Sunday with his shitty comic strip. If most newspapers weren’t left-slanted, this crap would probably never get published, since I’ve seen carpet stains more entertaining than a political cartoon, especially Trudeau’s.

Seriously, only assholes read "political cartoons." When I have an opinion on something, I say it. Old people suck. I don’t need to write a fucking cartoon about it, and neither should anyone else. Cartoons are meant to be funny, and I have yet to see a cartoon that has a "message" attached to it that meets this requirement. For an example of comics that are actually good, see Calvin and Hobbes, a cartoon that no longer appears in newspapers where I live because if it did, there would be no more room for Doonesbury, Opus, Boondocks, and tons of other unfunny shit-comics that make me almost feel sorry for the tree that had to die to print this shit. Almost.

Iceland to Grant Ex-Chess Champ Fischer Citizenship
I guess Iceland decided that they don’t have enough anti-Semitic misogynists on their shitty island. I once knew a guy who was a chess-fanatic. The guy went to high school with me. All he would do is sit around all day playing chess. Since no one else in high school knew how to play chess with a reasonable amount of skill, he had to play by himself most of the time. When he wasn’t playing, he was writing up new notes and strategies. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was verbally fellatiating Bobby Fischer. The only thing this dumbass didn’t do was actually go to class. Or study. Or graduate. It is people like this who actually respect Bobby Fischer. Everyone else thinks he is a dumbass nerd or just don’t give a shit.

-His Divine Shadow