The Million Dollar Controversy

If you haven’t seen the movie Million Dollar Baby starring Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, and Hilary Swank, you want to read this review. It spoils the main plot, but on the plus side, it will be the best 8 bucks I’ve ever saved you.

First, let me say that this movie sucks, and this is without even having seen it. This movie radiates suck so well, I can detect it all the way from my desktop (and I live behind a movie theatre). The movie sucks because from what I’ve heard, it has nothing to do with killer robots, mutant dinosaurs, explosions, or lesbians. Sounds like one big yawn fest to me, but that isn’t the only reason I am writing about it. Apparently, spoiling the plot of this movie is popular with the ass-clowns on the Internet and newspapers that also go by the euphemistic title "movie critics."

And while I am at it, here is an open letter to the Movie Critic industry – nobody gives a damn what you think; go retire from your shitty "profession" and get a real job. Do you think any normal person really bothers reading Ebert & Roper and the local movie critic in the paper and makes his decision on whether or not to see a movie based on that? Hell no, people talk to their friends. And people who have no friends look on online message boards (or my movie reviews, which rule). People with no friends and Internet connection don’t do either – they are too busy crying or committing suicide (but I am getting ahead of myself now).

The point is, nobody ever made choosing a weekend movie an entire homework assignment. The last time I checked, the advice of a movie critic is about as useful as fertilizer, and I am talking about lame organic fertilizer for pussies, not any of that cool stuff the Euros want to ban cos they can’t step to our awesome skills. Nobody cares about what some dickhead who just sits around watching movies thinks. And don’t even get me started on Award/Film academies. They are too busy this year toting movies no one has even heard of before [like Million Dollar Baby] so they can maintain their image as elitist pricks instead of giving awards to movies normal people actually like.

Am I being a hypocrite by saying that movie critics suck during a movie review? No, because unlike those other losers, I actually have a real job. I am not getting paid to give opinions like mine actually matter any more than anyone elses. And that’s saying lot considering how right I always am. =D

Anyway, a lot of movie critics are bitching about this movie, but not for the same reason I am. First of all, this movie is about a chick who sees the sport of prizefighting as her only way of getting out of the shitty life she grew up in. This dramatic escape is cut short when she becomes paralyzed from the neck down. In the end, she decides to end her life rather than exist as a useless vegetable and asks for help. Clint Eastwood is the person she asks and he accepts the challenge. Personally, if I had my way with this movie, it would have been more about boxing and chicks and chicks fighting and ripped shirts and hot oil/mud and well, you can only imagine where it goes from there, but then again, Eastwood never bothered calling me. Too bad – I would have made that film awesome.

Besides the lack of monsters and swords, I didn’t really see a whole lot wrong with the idea, but apparently a lot of people from disability activists to plain old assholes are bitching about how this movie somehow send a bad message to the cripple community. Holy shit! A movie that suggests that people have a right to do what they want with their own lives and bodies (Any pro-choice activists who read this, shut the hell up, that’s not the same thing)? That sounds like a pretty destructive message to me. Eminem had better watch his ass, there’s a new bad role model in town, and he’s armed with a full load of common sense messages about free will. The best part is, this movie is (according to assholes who have a problem with this movie) suggesting suicide as a valid option to life with paralysis for the first time to all disabled people, because everyone knows that people who are paralyzed would never even consider such an idea without seeing it in a movie first. [that is sarcasm for those of you using the space between your ears as a fungal colony]

Speaking of useless turds who do nothing but bitch all day and get idolized for it, conservative political commentators like Rush Limbaugh, Michael Medved and Debbie Schlussel also seem to have a problem with this movie. Somehow, they think that sending the message that euthanasia is okay is a bad one. Too bad they are about as useless as tits on a rooster. The last good idea or something intelligent I’ve ever heard come from a political commentator was not a damn thing.

The truth is, nobody gives a shit what Movie Critics or Political Commentators think. And any disabled-rights activists, or whatever the hell you call yourselves, who have a problem with this movie can bite me too. You may think that paralyzed people can lead fulfilling lives, but that doesn’t give you the right to force them to try. Nobody asked you to "defend" every paralysis victim, you wheelchair bound bastards, so go to hell.

Suicide is the best solution to any problem. I wish more people would consider it, and not just quadriplegics either. Too many Bush-haters, Goths, Anorexics, and other whining crybabies spend more time bitching and less time planning that final escape from all that troubles them and one step closer to leaving all the rest of us the hell alone. Are you a girl who thinks that your being 110lbs and single is an end to life as you know it? Spare the world some of your bitching and off yourself. Nobody will miss you except maybe your shrink who gets paid $300 an hour to listen to you flap your word hole and you will be doing your part to reduce noise pollution. And all the people who say, "suicide is selfish because it hurts your loved ones" can eat shit. Have any of you self-righteous assholes ever considered that your asking people who are suffering to stick around just so you can continue boring their asses off with your petty bullshit for days on end is not even a little bit selfish (especially considering the fact that the victim is incapable of escape)? Euthanasia is called "Mercy Killing" for a reason – because it grants people in genuine pain respite from annoying relatives and hypocrite friends who think they know what is best for "a poor cripple" but really only care about their own selfish lives.

In short, this movie looks like a stinker, but not as bad as the media fiasco surrounding it. It’s enough to make a body wanna kill himself.

-His Divine Shadow