The Homeless Customers should be shot dead.

At first, this entry was going to be about how Homeless people should be shot dead. But after coming home from work today, I decided that the carnage should not end there. Here is a list of people that I see routinely in my store who are just begging for a bullet between the eyes.

Bums:
     To all the assholes who give homeless people money: knock it off. Granted there are some homeless people who have fallen on hard times, have no jobs, can’t find a place to stay, but still struggle day by day to survive while at the same time maintain their dignity. Then there are shameless bums, filthy disgusting swine that freeload off the charity of fools to continue feeding their self-destructive and annoying habits that have nothing to do with survival and everything to do with the ongoing degredation of American society. The latter group is the only kind I have ever seen at my store.
     Everytime six packs of Bud Light go on sale, I always get the same asshole coming into my store. I can’t come up with words that can accurately describe the man, but “filthy” “unkempt” “disgusting” and “derelict” all come pretty damn close. He comes to my line stinking of booze, tobacco, BO, and something else I can’t put my finger on until he puts a crumpled up wad of bills in my hand, soaked in a liquid that smells eerily of urine. Shitty part is, it’s legal tender so I can’t refuse it or kick him out. I hate my life what that son of a bitch comes calling and it’s all I can do to keep myself from buying a twelve-gauge at Wal*Mart to shoot this motherfucker dead.
     
If you want to help out the less fortunate, by all means more power to you. But don’t be an asshole: donate money to a reputable charity (the United Way does not count). Give out gifts of food or grocery store gift cards. Give the people what they need. Or better yet, volunteer at a soup kitchen or a shelter. But for the crap of shit, please do NOT give free money to these people. Cos nothing keeps them from bringing it back to my store after taking a healthy piss on it in exchange for a twelve pack.

Old Bags:
     Today, I was doing my part to prevent identity theft by checking an old woman’s ID when she showed me a credit card with no signature on the back. In response to this, she complained “what the hell is wrong with you? I’VE BEEN SHOPPING HERE FOREVER AND YOU’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.” First of all, you salty hag, you are the only one with the hearing aid, you don’t need to shout your head off. Secondly, if other cashiers are not doing this, then they suck and should be retrained. Finally, you are an old bitch who doesn’t know anything, so shut the hell up and give me your money. Man I hate old people. If aliens came to Earth tomorrow and promise a cure for cancer in return for either all of our nuclear waste or all of our elderly, I’d give up the latter gladly. If that old bag fell down a flight of stairs today and broke her hip, it will be (barely) living proof that there is a GOD and that HE likes me.
     You know what the say about wisdom coming with age? That is a lie; the only sure things that come with age are senility and arthritis. My customer must have had a big helping of both to become such a total incomprehensible bitch. Have you ever run into old people so arrogant and full of shit that they think their age gives them an excuse to act like they actually deserve more respect than anyone else? The way I see it, old people have very little going for them, most of them are crazy, a good deal are slow, dangerous behind the wheel, and all of them are pretty much set in their ways, and when their “ways” are demonstrated by examples like the one above, they are just begging for a post-birth abortion.

Assholes with Dogs:
     For all the people who don’t pay attention or are illiterate, I live and work in the state of California. In this state, it is illegal to bring animals with oneself into a store that sells food products. It doesn’t even matter if it is not a grocery store – dogs especially are forbidden unless the animal is a service-assist animal, like a seeing eye dog. But the stream of assholes carrying their dogs like children into the store is neverending. I don’t know why the law exists, so don’t ask, but I’d bet anything it has something to do with the fact that dogs are disgusting creatures worthy only of elimination.
     
One time, (and after receiving numerous complaints from store goers of dickhead bringing their disgusting animals to my store) one of my managers asked a customer not to bring her dog into the store. Incredulously, the bitch started having a tantrum about how the store should post a sign, how her husband is an attorney and that somehow, this makes her an expert on commercial law. Dumb bitch. I wonder which is more ridiculous, her insistance that my store post every single law and regulation regarding its operation or the idea that she is somehow qualified to bitch when she isn’t even a lawyer. If there is one thing I hate more than dogs, it is the assholes who use their pets an an excuse to act like a total moron.
     
To all the pet lovers: it’s great that you have such deep emotions about a dumb animal, but keep it to your damned self, don’t put the rest of the world through that agony. I am sick of dumb bastards treating their pets like they are their fucking children. Listen, I am sorry your insides are too rotted to bare children because the Powers that be hate you, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to expose the rest of us to your idiocy.

Incomprehensible Bitches:
     Today, I had a jackass of a bitch customer come into my store and complain that she was sold a bottle of liquor that fell on the ground in the parking lot cos it was bagged incorrectly. She had no receipt and claimed that the bottle wasn’t open. Now, since she left the store, there is no way to tell if she didn’t just drop the bottle doing something totally idiotic and is trying to rip us off. Powers know that has happened before. And the fact that it is illegal to take liquor returns in the state of California didn’t seem to faze her much either.
     
Normally, I might have taken the return if I had been the manager she had been chewing out a week ago, but this woman had no concept of manners. Customer service reps are trained to be treated like pieces of shit with the greatest of patience and my manager was doing a very good job of maintaining his. I would have used the broken bottle to cut her throat, but I know that no matter what the dumb bitch does, she will never get her money back, no matter how high up the chain of command she comes. She has already yelled at three department managers and my store manager and was on the phone to the district manager who all pretty much told her that she is fucked and should bitch to someone who cares. If she’s lucky, she might eventually get recompensed just for the sake of shutting her the hell up. And after seeing her in the store yelling at her misbehaved kids, I can only imagine how they are going to turn out when they are old enough to piss off hard working people with their bullshit.

In short, customers should be shot dead. Never shop at my store; I will kick your ass.

-His Divine Shadow