OpenDiary is for suckers.

Who the hell wants an Open Diary? I will tell you what kind of person gets an OpenDiary – a sucker. Face it, putting your thoughts out there to total strangers who are free to criticize your life with impunity is something only an idiot would subject themselves too. And if you think that your diary will be up whenever you want and that vital data will never get lost or stolen, well, you obviously weren’t here last year.

However, when you are reading to stop being such a dumb bastard, hear me out. I have created my own internet diary site! Yup, it is ClosedDiary.

 Because my life is none of your fucking business. 
Unlike the horrid process of opening up an OpenDiary or a LiveJournal, making a closed diary is easy. If you are running Windows anything, all you need to do is right-click on your desktop. A menu will appear. Highlight the NEW option and a list of various files will come up. Highlight the [Text Document] option and click on it. Afterwards, type in whatever username you want and press [Enter] to activate your new ClosedDiary.

It’s that fucking simple. Now, whenever you want to make an entry, just double-click on the notepad icon. That icon will open up a blank page where you are free to express your views, beliefs, experiences, and feelings with no restriction or security concerns.

There are many benefits this system has over OpenDiary:

1). Hacker proof. No one will ever delete or modify your entries but you.
2). 100% uptime. That is, unless you turn your computer off or the power goes out.
3). Total privacy. You don’t ever have to worry about assholes mouthing off or reading your private thoughts.
4). No need to memorize usernames or passwords – your diary is already 100% secure without needing either.
5). No advertisements. Ever.
6). No limits or restrictions to content. Feel free to libel, defame, cuss, swear, or write racist/prejudicial remarks, and not get judged for them. No annoying overlord or webmaster to get in your way.
7). Diary backup is super easy. Make as many backup copies as you want and protect them from alterations with the "read only" security setting.

With all these benefits, no one can deny that ClosedDiary beats OpenDiary by a long shot. And today, I am selling it at a special discount price of just $28 a month!!! =D All you need to qualify is to send me your name, e-mail address, home address, telephone number, and social security number (for authentication purposes). This offer is only good until the end of the month, at which time the fee goes up to $30 and I make even more money off your ass by selling your contact info to spam companies and get-rich-quick scams! I accept PayPal and BidPay.

-His Divine Shadow