Ninjas improve everything.

I shit you not. If there is any constant in this world, it is that the speed of light remains the same and that ninjas rule, and I think the jury is still out on that whole speed of light thing.

The truth is, no matter how great something is, or how much it sucks, ninjas can always make it better. Take for example, the great story of the Divine Shadow clan. A prominent father in the clan realized that his son was going to marry a gold digging bitch who wanted in on the clan’s relics, and like any asshole who thinks he is in love, he didn’t know any better. Rather than risk the dishonor of his entire clan, the boy’s father did what any father would do in this situation; he put a hit out on his dumb bastard of a child.

Right before the wedding, the son and his friends got together for his bachelor’s party and his father, according to ancient Japanese tradition, sent him a giant cake as his way of offering his blessing. After the dirtbag son blew out the candles, the "blessing" jumped out of the cake, and it looked eerily like an awesome ninja wrapped in a whole load of whoop-ass. Of course, the son couldn’t tell, because before he could blink, the ninja cut his entire face off in one graceful ninja-esque motion. But the ninja didn’t stop there. He killed everyone in the room simply for being at the scene of this dishonour and then ate the cake just to spite the whole lot of them.

Today, this tradition is followed by having a stripper jump out of the bachelor party cake. The tradition is kept alive because the stripper and the ninja have the same quality in common – they exist to inspire regret and to bring doom to a relationship. However, bachelor parties aren’t the only place where a ninja can come in handy. Everything from wars to weddings can be improved by a ninjitsu presence.

Funerals
Are you pissed off about another boring funeral about an obscure family member you couldn’t give a piss about? Just invite a ninja along. If you get lucky and the ninja gets pissed off, there is a good chance that other useless relatives will be brought low in the carnage. And the best part is, it’s good for business for the mortuary.

Birthdays
Are you sick of getting older with nothing to show for it other than wrinkles and bald spots? Have no fear, bring a ninja to the party. Ninjas like playing piñata, as long as you are the piñata. There is never a dull moment at a birthday party when a ninja is stalking your ass. See if you can get a piece of cake without being sniped by the dreaded poison dart. And you better say your prayers when you reach for that punch bowl, OF PAIN. You’ll be lucky if you leave you birthday party with all your limbs attached. So invite a ninjas to bring excitement to your birthday, and to remind you that things could be worse – instead of getting older, you could just be dead.

School
Are you bored out of your skull listening to lame-ass teachers crapping stuff to you that you know doesn’t even matter in the real world? Maybe it’s time you tested your peers’ knowledge on exotic cultures (and the school’s zero tolerance policy) by inviting a ninja for show-and-tell. Guaranteed to bring diversity to the campus in the shape of a throwing star to the pancreas. And if you have bad bullies ruining your life day after day, it is time to end theirs. It’s their turn to know what it is like to get their ass beat by a professional.

Movies
Stuck with another boring-ass romantic comedy that is just like all other romantic comedies before it? Why not add a ninja to the mix? Watch as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks get their romance on (again) by building bridges, breaking barriers towards mutual understanding, and running their asses off from badass wall-crawling ninjas. You are guaranteed a good time when a lame kissing scene to the soundtrack of Sade is usurped by some flipped-out ninja freak cutting heads to the latest by Disturbed. Either the happy couple escapes and live happily ever after or get stranged by their own entrails. Either way, you win.

Music
Have you been cursed with another Britney Spears on the radio? Or another song from Vanessa Carlton’s latest coma inducing album? Spice things up with a ninja duo. Ninjas are great singers, and by "singing" I mean "decapitating lame musical artists." Norah Jones sounds much better when she’s screaming for mercy, trust me. A Ninja wouldn’t have it any other way.

Work
Do you have a boring ass job and hate your boss? Maybe it’s time to introduce him to a new friend. Cut down the competition for a promotion by cutting down heads with your own personal ninja. No one will ever take a drink from the water cooler again – it might be poisoned. And the best part is, no one would really know who the ninjas are – they are masters of disguise. One minute, you are delivering a sales forecast, and the next, your marketing consultant is dead, a knife stuck in his back and a black rose in his mouth. Don’t bother resigning – the ninjas won’t stop until all the members of your clan are dead, except you. Pay raises and promotions have never been made easier. The corporate world is never dull when ninjas enter the field.

Dates
Are you on a date that you know will suck (and not how you are hoping it will). Put your mind at ease by making sure that a ninja thinks you are out with his girl. A ninja is guaranteed to make your date exciting, and she’ll never know that you can’t dance, don’t play an instrument, and don’t have a job – y’all will be too busy trying to hang onto dear life. The best part is, if you make it, you won’t give a damn about whether or not you scored, you’ll just be happy you still have a neck.

And for all the babes out there, a ninja can make your dating life exciting too, and a little less stressful. If your new boy can’t fight a ninja in hand to hand combat and win, then he probably wasn’t man enough for you in the first place. Next please.

Marriage
Afraid that your lively marriage will eventually disintegrate into an annoying morass of bullshit, lies, guilt-trips, suffocation, infidelity, and eventual divorce? Add some spark back into your love life by declaring yourself the arch nemesis of the Clan of The Jade Serpent. You are guaranteed to bond time and time again with your significant other as you escape assassination attempts, flee from your assailants, and wonder together if suicide doesn’t sound so bad after all. Neither party will consider divorce, because you both know that someone has to stay awake while the other sleeps. And best part is, you won’t have much time to fight about money, the kids, or anything else, not when an entire ninja clan is riding your ass. Nothing brings a failing marriage back together than a grueling torture session by ninjas demanding to know more about your clan before executing you. And if you are lucky to escape, you might want to consider touring the world together – and hopefully lose those ninjas at the same time.

Parties
Parties are usually all the same. Dancing to annoying pop-shit music, junk food, loud music, and drinking until date rape becomes a real possibility. But if you put a ninja on the scene, everyone is guaranteed to be sober, because ninjas always go after the easy targets first. Afraid of some boy taking advantage of you? You should be more worried about whether or not you will have a face tomorrow. And don’t you think you are off the hook guys, a ninja’s way of saying goodnight is an uppercut to the colon. Any pussy can throw a party – but only the real deal has ninjas.

War
Are you fighting a war on terror? And losing? Maybe it’s because you are fighting like a pussy. Dropping bombs on cities does little good against well organized terrorist cells that can be hiding among all the normal people. But ninjas make everything easier. Watch as the terrorsts run for cover, not knowing who to trust. Think about it – that jihadi wrapped up in robes looks just like a ninja – how could they tell each other apart? If ninjas were allowed to fight in the war on terror, the war would be over in five minutes, and that is including all the time it would take to pork all the hot middle-eastern babes at the same time. The best part is, not even suicide bombers and Russian assault rifles would be any match for a ninja’s awesome skills because:

Think resisting Western Imperialism is hopeless? You won’t after facing off a angry ninja who wants nothing less than the entire jihadi network exterminated. My advice to you: make like the French and surrender. Ninjas do not give up and do not quit until they have RUINED YOUR SHIT.

So in conclusion, ninjas rule. Everyone should have their own. If you liked this, stay tuned for "Why Zombies Suck" for details about why they should never be invited to any of the above events. Zombies are the exact opposite of ninjas – they make everything worse. The good part about ninja massacres is that anyone a ninja kills stays dead. Zombies, on the other hand, will come back and do whatever it takes to chew your ears off. Avoid any contact with them at all costs – unless it involves the business end of a chainsaw.

-His Divine Shadow