How to be an asshole 101

If you weren’t thinking about how much you missed me while I was gone, I will guarantee you that you will once you finish reading this entry.

If you spent the day with your thumb up your ass thinking to yourself, "how can I be more of a dick?" today is your lucky day. Becoming a world class son-of-a-bitch requires a lot of practice, and nothing says practice more than cheating the people you call "friends." Do you have a friend of yours who thinks they are better and/or smarter than you? Well, try this out and prove them WRONG.

How to ass out your opponent at eChess.

Step 1: Get a electronic one-player chess game. Most graphing calculators and PCs have one of these. If you don’t have one, get one now.

Step 2: Challenge a friend you’d like to see in a ditch one day to a game of online chess. If you can, offer to play for money as well to increase the potential irony.

Step 3: Before any of you make any moves, launch your offline calculator and set the game to MOTHERFUCKING HARD level.

Step 4: Whenever your opponent makes a move on the chessboard, make the same move on your offline calculator. The calculator will then tell you the exact sequence of moves necessary to stomp your friend in the balls. Just copy the moves that the calculator does and prepare to kick some serious ass.

The best part about this trick is that your opponent will never see it coming (unless they’ve red this entry); to them, you look like a smart son-of-a-bitch, and not like the backstabbing motherfucker you truly are. This trick is especially useful against children, old folks, and chess nerds who think they are smarter than you are. Sure, they may be better at chess, but does that make them really any smarter? For example, did they ever consider that their "friend" would use a cheap trick like this to beat their ass at a game they’ve been studying for hours, if not days, on end? I would humbly submit that they wouldn’t. And if you are lucky, you will never have to prove your skill in person because this annoying bastard will never consent to being in your presence ever again.

Don’t think this trick works with just chess either, it works with pretty much ANY game out there, from tic-tac-toe to chinese checkers. Put your smug bastard of a friend in his or her place for good. If all goes according to plan, they might take a hint and realize that there are more important things to life than playing some stupid board game. Like getting a life, for example.

– His Divine Shadow