His Divine Music Critique [OMFG BONUS ENTRY]

Earlier today, after watching the Denver Broncos get BBQed like baby back ribs during the Superbowl, I decided to check out my Newsfeed to determine which parts of the game the Mainstream Media decided were awesome and which were not. Naturally, they gushed over the Bruno Mars performance, which I find amusing since the crowd was pretty quiet until the Red Hot Chili Peppers appeared on stage. The part I found the most interesting was that the biggest hit musically speaking was "Passenger," which happened to appear in one of the Superbowl ads. I found this odd since I didn’t remember hearing the song "Passenger" off the Deftones’s White Pony Album featuring the vocal talents of Maynard James Keenan of Tool and A Perfect Circle fame being played at any point in the game or during the commercials.. (Note to Superbowl Producers, if you decide next year to get a Halftime performer that doesn’t cater to female tweens who don’t normally watch football, my advice would be to consider seeking out Deftones’s services). However, what pissed me off is that it turns out that Passenger, is a hip new band, not a song, apparently. What made me angrier is the fact that this song was getting such hot press even though I couldn’t remember a damn thing about it, meaning that it was bereft of impact and meaning, making it totally forgettable.

So I found the commercial and watched it again. Sure enough, the encore performance confirmed my suspicions that this song is bland and uninteresting. It didn’t help that the commercial was shit too, like pretty much all the ads during the game. After that, I found out that it has been a Billboard favourite. That doesn’t mean anything to me since the only way I would be able to determine the credibility of the Billboard Top 10 would be to ascertain the quality of their other picks. So I checked out the top 10 to see what was so great about it. The sad part about the listing was that half the songs on the listing I had never even heard before on the radio, which is where I would expect to hear the latest and greatest. The following analysis is a fully detailed documentation of the experience which came about:

The Song: Dark Horse
The Artist: Katy Perry & Some Random Asshole
Billboard Ranking: #1
Heard it on the Radio: 0 times.
His Divine Critique: I couldn’t finish the song. It was boring as hell. Kinda like the Passenger song.  Not looking good so far.

The Song: Timber
The Artist: Pitbull & Kesha
Billboard Ranking: #2
Heard it on the Radio: Never.
His Divine Critique Pitbull and Ke$ha, along with having what are probably the two dumbest names in pop music, also happen to be my two least favourite artists (if they can even be called that) on the radio right now. And calling this track "this generation’s ‘cotton eye joe’" as Slate Magazine did last week, is being generous. Shallow, pedestrian, uninspired, and completely forgettable. Not even interesting enough to be considered crap.

The Song: Counting Stars
The Artist: One Republic
Billboard Ranking: #3
Heard it on the Radio: Yes, about 200 times an hour every hour.
His Divine Critique: Every time I hear this song in my car, it makes me want to change the station. I have been in the unfortunate position of hearing this song play on three of five presets at the same time. It looks like Atheists didn’t need that billboard they tacked up by the Superbowl stadium to convince anyone that there is no GOD, not when a link to all the popular radio stations constantly playing this heap would do the trick.

The Song: Say Something
The Artist: Great Big World feat Christina Aguilera
Billboard Ranking: #4
Heard it on the Radio: Yes.
His Divine Critique: I am actually okay with this one. Mostly because I can actually hear the goddam instruments (piano and strings) and the vocal talent is pretty good (no autotune on this one). I have not always been the biggest fan of Aguilera since she dedicated her early years to lending her talents to pop trash, but when she isn’t oversinging, she demonstrates her amazing vocal talent. Kudos to her and the team with whom she is harmonising very well.

The Song: The Monster
The Artist: Eminem & Rihanna
Billboard Ranking: #5
Heard it on the Radio: Yes, too many times.
His Divine Critique: Unfortunately, it looks like Eminem’s better days are behind him, especially now that his identity as the King of White Rappers has to take a backseat to the lackluster talent of Mackelmore, who can’t do a decent track to save his life without Ryan Lewis backing him up. And sometimes not even then (see Same Love, a track salvaged only by its trendy political message and the impressive vocal performance of Mary Lambert, if you don’t believe me). And the less said about Rihanna, the better. It’s an eerie paring when a man who raps about violently murdering a woman is singing along side a woman who was violently beaten by her man, and took back her abuser – a paring I’d rather forget, just like this song.

The Song: Talk Dirty
The Artist: Another Random Asshole & 2Chainz, the currently present wart on the face of hip hop music.
Billboard Ranking: #6
Heard it on the Radio: Never. Thank the powers that be.
His Divine Critique: I don’t even know where to start with this one. Avoid it if you can.

The Song: Let Her Go
The Artist: Passenger
Billboard Ranking: #7
Heard it on the Radio: No.
His Divine Critique: I already unloaded on this shit show a minute ago.  See above.

The Song: Team & Royal
The Artist: Lorde
Billboard Ranking: #8 & #9
Heard it on the Radio: Yes, no less than 20,000,000 times.
His Divine Critique: Their shtick was interesting the first time I heard it, tolerable the second time, and unbearable the following 19,999,997 times it has played since the entertainment world decided to pay attention to their mediocre tracks. If I never have to hear another song from Lorde for the rest of my days, it will be too soon.

The Song: Pompeii
The Artist: Bastille
Billboard Ranking: #10
Heard it on the Radio: No.
His Divine Critique: I think it is fitting that the song is named after a disaster that destroyed an ancient Roman city over 2000 years ago, because that is what this track sounded like. I’ve never been buried in burning ash and pumice resulting from a massive volcanic eruption before, but it has to be better than this song.

In short, the Billboard people are on crack and I rule. Do yourself a favour and find some music that doesn’t suck.

-HDS