Are you a Serenity fan? Then FIGHT ME!!!

 Can’t Stop the Bullshit. 

For the past three months, I have been inundated with ads, posts, and e-mails regarding "the next best thing in sci-fi" which apparently has taken the form of a movie called Serenity. So far, I have not met any of these bastards in person because if I had, they would be preoccupied with a sudden lack of teeth when I punch them in the head for being such assholes. I challenge EVERY Serenity fan out there to fight me one on one. Let’s see if your ability to suck Joss Whedon’s dick is any match for His Divine Piledriver. I hope you like the taste of pavement because I will be slamming your big mouth into the concrete when you try to convince me that I should spend $9 to become part of your bullshit revolution. I will punch you in the crotch and body-slam you through a glass door without even thinking twice about it. And before you can even think to call your "browncoat" buddies to save your ass, I will demonstrate why they call me "The Cornhole Commander" and shove all your 900 Serenity movie ticket stubs right up your ass before kicking you into moving traffic.

For those of you who don’t know what Serenity is, it is a science fiction movie that tries to combine a space opera theme amd western theme, and fails at both. It is based off a wonderful series called Firefly, which was so awesome that it managed to run for a whopping 13 episodes before getting CANCELLED by FOX, a TV station known for carrying pretty much any shitty program it is handed. Bottom line is, when shit like Andromeda managed to run unchallenged for 3 years but your show gets cancelled in less than one season, it is kind of obvious that it sucks. Unless of course, you are Joss Whedon, the genius responsible for bringing us Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Disney’s Atlantis, Titan A.E. Angel, Alien Resurrection, Toy Story and a host of other TV programs and movies that were PURE DOG SHIT.

Normally, I would be content to let these dumbasses enjoy their stupid obsession, except for one problem: they want everyone to join them. And I mean EVERYONE. Somehow, these assholes got the idea that spamming message boards online, posting bogus ratings on internet movie sites, and writing stupid fan-sites (which they cleverly refer to as "guerilla marketing") was going to get them an audience and perhaps make the movie profitable. And of course, this all happened three months before the movie ever came out, most likely because fans of the shitty show thought the shitty movie would be the same thing and decided to hype it up for people who might not have cared otherwise. Seriously, I’ve seen whores and panhandlers with more dignity than these losers. These idiots are bent on having everyone and their dog involved in their stupid "cult." And if anyone questions why the movie is so great (since the TV show it is based on was cancelled, and nobody with a life knows what the hell Serenity is) they will come up with all kinds of persecution stories that would move a holocaust survivor to tears (or so they wish) about how Fox was conspiring against the series to begin with, how the marketing people were to blame, etc etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to blame George W. Bush for the utter failure of their precious "Firefly." Too bad most of the normal movie going public doesn’t give a shit. Besides, it is hard to take anyone’s call to join the Serenity crowd when that call is an e-mail/IM like "OMFG U NEED 2 C THIS MOVIE!!!!111one." Dam sci-fi nerds need to get bent already and leave people the hell alone.

As for the film itself, it is mediocre at best, and total crap even if you are a sci-fi fan. The movie is fraught with inside jokes, bad acting, and one-liners that would make James Bond cringe. It’s a shame because I was hoping that 2005 would pass us by without having pure shit to show for movies. I guess this year isn’t Hollywood’s year (but watch them come out with some totally lame excuse for why movies sucked, like file sharing, Hurricane Katrina, or George W. Bush’s presidency). Everyone calling this movie "The New Star Wars" needs to give it a rest. Star Wars rocked the box office and this movie will be lucky to break even. Movie critics who can’t tell quality from their own assholes are raving about it like no one else has ever thought about making a movie/series about westerns in space (unless you count Cowboy Bebop, Galaxy Express 999, and Trigun, they’re right.), and the dumbass fans won’t shut up about it. Granted, I thought Star Wars was a piece of shit, but at least the Star Wars fans weren’t complete assholes about it.

In conclusion, I dare you Serenity fans to show your faces here. Just don’t think about it if you want to keep your nuts.

-His Divine Shadow