What in the actual…..

Spewing of random ahead…. be prepared.

According to my calculations, I need to make a minimum of $17 dollars an hour to cover all expenses and bills, adding a car payment, insurance, gas, and cell phone. What in the actual fuck. Do you know how much they’re out here trying to pay people with degrees and wanting 3-5 years experience, way more job responsibilities than should be on one person. And of course, no benefits for PT employees… Ohhhh…here’s your $12.50 an hour. What, is this 1975? Here, raise a family on half the minimum wage workers should be earning. I will be getting some sort of alimony and child support, but max alimony time is 1 year in Texas, so honestly, i’m trying to make sure I can completely cover any and everything if a payment should be missed or be late. I won’t have my lights shut off. Also, if I am making enough to cover it and receiving some sort of child support, the support can go into an account for my son and can be an emergency stash/college fund/fun treats fund.

I have a degree that if I were to use would be a shitty paying job with high stress, high risk, and low rewards. I can work at home no problem, but most gigs are part time and most jobs want you at the same hours relatively, so then even working two part time jobs equaling out to one full time job, is still not going to be able to happen. And now, instead of spending my days with my son, I’m going to have to fit my son into my days. It is unfair to him, though I think he’ll be just fine it’s just yet another thing to worry about. I’ve told him a little what’s happening and he understands things will be different–I’ll be damned if this kid isn’t the toughest trooper. He just asks his questions, listens and then moves on to Minecraft. Ahhhh…..to be six and a half. He has cried plenty. He has been held,reassured and plans of the future have been actively planned with him, as I always have done. He might not understand, but he always has a say. He may get vetoed, but sometimes so do I.

Balance.

The possibility of moving seems further and further from reality, so I’m adjusting my mind set in staying in this house. Truth be told, this was always my house. He didn’t give two shits where we lived or what it looked like. I did of course. I did the research, the planning, made the insurance calls and payments, set up the movers,packed, unpacked, purchased new items, scoured for hours for deals…..you know,all the work of setting up a home. This is MY and my son’s home. Now, I can make it exactly how I always envisioned but had to screen first. That’s the silver lining on this particular shit cloud. If we move into an apartment, there will be —–humans to deal with I love the idea of people, the reality usually sucks. 😂 Also, if we keep the house, i’m making decent scratch, we can save–that means vacations.  I can work even on long trips,so help keep that income going.

I’m setting up my resume tomorrow. It’ll be the first time in years I’ve needed one. I’ve held a ton of jobs, but have only needed a resume maybe a dozen times and half those jobs didn’t bother and had me fill out an application anyway. Jesus..save us all some time, paper,ink, tress and just read the resume. I’ve found a handful of jobs I’m actually sort of exited about and the idea of making money and a crapton compared to the last time I worked, is amazing. The idea of setting up a home office, is exciting, not scary. I love a project.

As angry and sarcastic, to deal with trauma and hurt, I may be I’m also really excited. When the marriage ended there was more of a sense of relief than anything. Truth be told, I was in love with someone else most of our marriage anyway and I was never fully in and present, not the way I should have been. He was never fully in and present since he was in love with his old life of being a single, slacker wanna be musician. It’s all working out in the end for both of us ironically. He’s now living with a slacker friend, his brother, their parents and grandmother. Fucking no thanks to that shitshow, party of 6.

In a week or two, I’ll be getting rid of so much stuff I am really really really looking forward to the release of trash, bad memories, broken toys, old clothes, boxes, old carpeting, flooring, etc. It’s going to be a dumpster party! It’s been in the works for months and is finally almost here. The next week or so before it gets here, I will be a busy little beaver. I’m always at my best when I have shit to do, a project, a goal, a paper to write, an appointment to get to…something. It is better for me, my depression, my anxiety, PTSD,ADHD,sensory issues, lingering self doubt and fear of failure..if I am too busy doing stuff.

I’m looking forward to driving again. I was so ….anxious for so long and so much of my anxiety disappeared when a giant man walked out the door. Literally, so many fears, anxious moments, need for medication…all went POOF 3 weeks and some change ago.

I’m going to do an intro post I think next,I’ve just had a lot to get out before I can get down to the business of being me.

FUCKING WILD, Y’ALL.
WILD.