Reminiscing

I don’t know if I’m writing this too late to mean anything to you, but I feel as though I should write it anyway. So it hit me today that it’s been 6 months tomorrow since we broke up. Wow. I guess on the one hand, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, but at the same time, it feels like it’s been much longer than that. 6 months. Wow.

I know that we have both changed tremendously over those 6 months, and seeing where we’ve ended up and the lives that we have built for ourselves, I am confident in the decision we made. I honestly believe it was for the best. I wanted you to know a few things before any more time goes by:

As overused and stereotypical as it sounds, it really wasn’t you, it was me. You were everything I could have ever asked for. Your love for me always amazed me in that it was perfect, never faltering. And I did love you, too. Know that, please. But I didn’t like who I could see myself becoming. I didn’t like that I was becoming so dependent upon you, that my life was revolving around you. I didn’t like that I couldn’t stand to be apart from you. You know me, I’m a very independent person, I don’t like having to rely on someone. I didn’t like that we fought so much, although I know it didn’t mean we loved each other any less.

Mostly, I didn’t like that I never felt like I could make you happy enough. No matter what, it always seemed as though you needed something more from me, something I just wasn’t capable of giving. I knew that you would be able to find it somewhere else, and I felt it was almost my duty, my responsibility to let you free so you could find it.

Thinking back to it now, what I miss the most about us is all the plans we had. I remember all those nights we’d lie in bed talking about the future, about how things were going to be, how great our lives were going to be. I think we got so wrapped up in that that we forgot to fix the present first.

When I think about that night…the night when it all ended, I remember something that to this day stings to think about. Neither of us thought that was the end. We let things go with the understanding that we just needed a break, that we’d take some time to sort things out and then we’d be back together. Again, looking at where we are now, I know we were right in not getting back together, but it hurts to think that we never really had a proper goodbye. I wish with everything I am that things had ended differently.

I’m so sorry that I hurt you. But please don’t think I walked away unscathed. Even still, I shed a tear for you every now and then. When I pass you on campus and we share that uncomfortable "hello…", I can’t help but think, "I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, and now he can’t even look me in the eye." And it hurts.

I miss you. I miss all our little things that no one understood but us. I miss you squeezing my hand three times, I miss waking up and seeing you next to me, I miss talking you into watching Friends with me, I miss your family, I miss our home, I miss coaching with you, I miss knowing that no matter what, you would always be there.

You were the most understanding and supportive person I have ever had in my life. Thank you for everything, for all the memories, the laughs, and yes, even the tears. Because I know I am a stronger and better person for having been with you as long as I was. I love you…Always.