Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Recently I was visiting with my family at my brother’s house. The guys were outside doing with guys do best and the women were in the living room doing what women do best. At one point, my sister in law and I were sitting alone chatting. She said something along the lines about not wanting to say anything in front of everyone because she didn’t want to make something out of nothing, if that were the case. She then proceeded to ask me if I were okay. She said that even though I was smiling and laughing and engaged in the various conversations, I just looked so sad. I was a bit floored. I’m not extremely close with my sister in law and, well I definitely have not opened up to her that much. I just went with my standard answer, I’m fine, everything is okay. But that really had me thinking. Can everyone see it? How come no one else has reached out to me?

I don’t open up to people easily. There is layer upon layer to me and it takes quite a while for anyone to know who the real me is. I have only 2 people in the whole world that know who I am. These 2 people I trust completely with everything. It takes most people years to even crack the first layer. So, let’s just say friendships and relationships do not come easy for me.

To answer my sister in law’s question, yes, I am okay, however, I am a little sad. Or I should say, lonely. As I have mentioned above, relationships do not come easily for me. I hate to say it, but I feel as if my childhood contributes to it. I don’t want that do define me, however, just coming out of my shell is a chore enough. When I come out just a little bit, I feel as if it’s just for more humiliation and heartbreak. Yes, I feel as if my self esteem is coming back, however, the years of emotional and sexual abuse has definitely done a number on me. I’m still very self conscious and, I guess, scared. I need someone that is going to be patient and understanding with me, which I haven’t been unable to find. It seems as if sex is the hugest part of a relationship these days, and well, I cannot just jump into the sack with anyone. The latest men I’ve been with seem to be great and understanding in the beginning, but when it comes to the other stuff, they try to force things on me. When I say no and resist, well, that’s the deal breaker. I’ve started giving up on finding love. And that is why my sister in law saw the sadness behind my smile.

I suppose I’ll just be content with my furbabies. Their love is unconditional, no matter what.

Anyway, Diary, that will be all for today.

Your Friend,

That Girl