Crying

Dear Diary,

I know it’s been months since I last wrote in you. So much has happened since my last entry. Some good, some bad, some shocking, and some painful. I don’t feel like updating on everything, because at this moment nothing all that much matters, except for what’s been weighing on my mind all week.

I’ll rewind to the one week ago today. I was first one in at work to open the clinic to get the day started. I was in my own zone doing what I normally do, and also I was still trying to wake up, seeing as I had to be at work at 4:30 a.m. I remember my next coworker arrived about 10 minutes after I did and started getting busy as well. We had did a little bit of chitchatting, but not much. As 5 a.m. rolls around I realized that our nurse wasn’t in yet. I figured she was maybe running a couple of minutes late, which was typical for her. By 5:15 still no nurse, but the last of my coworkers showed up and inquired as to where our nurse was. We tried calling her a couple of times, figuring she had overslept and that we’d wake her with calling her. Still nothing. So we resorted to calling our boss. Our boss tried, along with us, several times to get a hold of our nurse. Still nothing. Very unlike her. A few hours later, a different nurse came in and said she had received a text message from the other nurse saying she didn’t feel good and wouldn’t be in. Well, that made us all a little peeved, but we got on with our day and that was that. Tuesday, rolls around and the day went normally. This was the day off for the nurse that didn’t show up, so didn’t think anything of it. Except that my boss still hadn’t heard from her. Fast forward to Tuesday evening. I was preparing myself for an interview of a job I really wanted for the next day. *Ping* goes my phone and noticed that a friend and ex-coworker had sent me a Facebook message. Usually she’s just wanting to catch up on the happenings with work. She wanted me to give her a call when I could. That’s when she gave me the sad news. Her husband is an EMT and responded to a suicide late Sunday/early Monday morning. It was the nurse that I was peeved at for not bothering to let us know she wasn’t coming to work Monday. I was in utter shock. This nurse was one of the most outgoing people I knew. She was the life of the party. She was always dancing, singing, and having fun at work. I just couldn’t understand her doing something like this. I’m still in utter shock and disbelief. I keep asking myself why? Why did she do this? Why didn’t I see the signs? I work with this person about 25 hours a week. She never gave ANY indication that she suffered. We talked quite a bit about our personal lives. She knew quite a bit about me and I knew a bit about her. I keep thinking about the last time I worked with her. Friday December 28th, 2018. She was the most happiest I had ever seen her. She had just started a new relationship with a guy that treated her like a queen, she was glowing and the most happiest I had ever seen her. She was dancing around, singing, and mouthing off in her typical fashion. We were all laughing and having a great time. When it was time for me to leave for the day I said my typical goodbye and told her to have a blast on NYE. I knew she had some pretty awesome plans with her new man. She giggled and said she had planned to. How she went from that, to killing herself, is what I am having a hard time wrap my mind around. I have been so sad and last since receiving the news of her death. She was such a wonderful person and she touched many lives.

Her suicide has really affected me in more ways than one. It has scared me so badly. As some of  you may know from earlier posts, I’ve suffered from depression and so does one of my best friends in the world, my sister. When we were young teens, I caught my sister popping painkillers like they were candy. I ended up telling my mom and my sister was rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, my sister survived and received some help. Just recently, just before my coworker’s suicide, my sister confided in me that she’s been experiencing that familiar darkness again. It’s just come out of nowhere. She’s promised me to get help. But what if she doesn’t? I cannot lose my sister in this same fashion. I am terrified. I have been such a fucking wreck. This past week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I have experienced in quite some time. I’m trying to keep strong.

Diary, I have got to stop for now. I am going to go