Twas a week before Christmas….

And I’m having trouble caring. I hate the way things are right now and the way that they are headed. I’m not posting a lot here because I don’t want to be writing so much negativity. I keep telling myself that it will all be all right because the girls will have presents under the tree; there is a bag of them sitting on the backseat of my truck and some hidden away on the property but its not the way I want things to go. I want to do it big the way I used to but the money just isn’t there to do it that way. I’ve never been one to give a lot of high dollar presents but I wanted to do one really big one for each girl this year. Maddie really wants a big sister for her Cabbage Patch baby and I think the new ones with the real looking hair are too freaky; I want to get her a classic one but they are almost $60 at the stores. I would need to sell six hats at ten dollars a piece…. don’t see that happening.

I know I should be thankful for what I have; I should take things as positive but I’m sick of feeling trapped and that is never good. My truck still needs repairs and I still can’t find a decent job in this stupid town that I am stuck in.

I want to do Christmas cookies and Christmas presents for everyone, but that isn’t going to happen. I want to do a bunch of Christmas cards but I can’t find the energy or the time. I spent the last week between my job and running the holiday shop at School. I want to postpone the holidays for another month and see what I can make happen but that isn’t going to happen. I’m tired of everyone shoving their joy down my throat; I’m sick of guests yelling at me for saying the wrong thing at work when it comes to Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays; I’m sick of Christmas music from work; I’m sick of mean people and people being picky about the prices of things to my face. If you don’t like the price wait for it do go down I have no say about what things are priced in the store. If you miss it you miss it… I’m sick of Christmas trees; I’ve been surrounded by them since September and seen one every shift since the end of july. Mine still isn’t up and I hate the at people are criticizing me for it. At one point in November I walked into the stockroom and all but screamed "I’m sick of the commercialism of Christmas" and I believe that is my biggest problem. I need some serious Christmas magic. I need something to make Christmas positive for me again. Maybe I’m just sick of dissappointment…Maybe I just needed to vent… who knows?