*sigh*

I grew up as learning that I don’t need anyone to make me happy, I don’t need someone to take care of me, and that I can stand on my own two feet.  I have always believed and even wanted to be able to take care of myself and granted I still have the thoughts that if something happens my family will come to my rescue.  I’m not comfortable letting other’s take care of me, I’m not someone is willing to feel like I am doing nothing.  I need to feel like I am doing something, bringing something into any relationship that I am in and it really gets to me when I don’t feel like I am.  I need to feel like I am a partner and not like I am being taken care of or as a burden which is what happens at times when I feel like I’m not bringing anything to the table.  I don’t like to feel like a burden or like I am doing nothing and not worth anything, if I can’t contribute to things than why should I bother and why should I be envolved, I need to feel like I am helping in the relationship and not just something to have a round and that in the end costs more than it is worth.

I don’t know why I feel that way but I do, I need to know that I’m at least trying to do something and not just taking, it’s a give and take kinda of thing and I don’t really like it being uneven.

ok, so besides that I just wrote a check for 3346.13, there goes the majority of my money and when you conside that I still need to get some money to my mom for my car payments, well, it isn’t that pretty right now but at least I have school taken care of for the rest of the year.  I believe that I will be sending my mother 1000 which will then leave me with less than 1000 to last me until I can find a freaking job or else I need to have the rest of the money last me until school is out and then I will just get money from my summer work, I don’t know, I have to go back to alaska for the summer because of my dividen which will be nice to have next year.  I will look around for jobs again but when I think about it I’ll have a new schedule again in about 2 months so I need to either figure something to do about that or whatnot, I have my classes figured out already so as long as I make it known that I’ll be having aschedule change things should be fine.  I saw a sign somewhere about a place hiring, I should try to find that place again(I swear that it was on campus) and then apply or else when Robyn and I are doing our thing on thursday I’ll look at ask for applications, I think that I am going to stick to the plaza because there are so many stores there that I am sure that I can find something.

Well gotta go, I need to have robyn look over something and then I need to go over my spanish and do some work on it all because I have something due tomorrow and I have some other things that I need to turn in as well that might have been due last week but wasn’t stated that it was due, so whatever, I’ll get it done and turned in, the dude doens’t really care, it just has to be turned in.