rememberance

I was going through some old entries today and shocked at what I have ended up resorting too.  I’ve gone from writing entries just about whatever was on my mind to just nothing, whatever had been done during the day.  I wish that I could go back to those days at times, spelling errors and all 😛  I look at the notes that Heather and Summer left me and I wish that we could go back to those days, days where we were closer. 

I miss the days where things were easier, not as complicated.  The times I could just laydown and know that things weren’t going to change, things were good, easy, not overdone or stressed to the point of breaking.  I’ve been joking, saying that I could kill myself but it’s just a joke, it isn’t going to happen, 1. I could never do it 2. it is just stress and nothing that wont be solved within the week.  I’m dealing with stress which is my own fault since I am the one that brought it all upon myself with not doing everything in the timespan that I should have. 

I am wanting comfort, security, knowledge that no matter what things will be fine in the end.  I’m missing something but it is something that I am not used to missing and it’s weird, it gets harder each time and it’s strange to me, I don’t know what it is but it’s new nonetheless and although it’s rough at times it’s also the best feeling to ever have.   I am happy and sad but not for reasons that might be assumed and it isn’t a bad sad, just one of my forms of sad which is hard to explain.  I am beyound happy and get butterflys, tingles, nerves, shivers, whatever you want to call them.  I laugh at myself since when it all started it took me awhile to cool down and warm up whenever it was reintroduced but now, now I have it all the time, day, night, good, bad, new and old, it’s great and yet a bit daunting at times, just thinking about makes me…well I’m not sure but it isn’t bad.

School here is really nice, I love it, I’m just like a freshman all over again this quarter since the whole system is new to me and everything is new to me, I have never lived away from home before, I’ve never had roommates before, I’ve never had my school sessions be so short before, and I’ve never had anything else before.  It’s funny, I have so much to thank Christopher for, I knew that something good would have to have come from my experience with him, that there was a reason that I went through what I did.  I owe him for everything that I have right now.  He is the reason that I came to california in the first place, he is the reason that I picked this school above all the others and wanted this one and would only come to this one.  I wanted to do the exchange because of him, I picked this school because it’s the closest to him, I knew that I deserved more than being along because he showed me that I deserved being loved and even though I have no idea if we knew what we were doing, he ment so much and still does even though it isn’t ment in the same way.  Because of him and picking this school in this state, I went looking for friends in the area, luck would have it that the only person that I wrote to, the only one that struck my interest would be the one that means the most to me and makes me happier than words could discribe.  I at times wish that I had the guts to go up to Christopher and talk to him, tell him thanks, let him look at me with disdain since he never did trully get me, and then walk away and feel complete.  It’s just funny to me that I do owe him so much for everything that in the end has come from him in one way or another, but I much rather show my appreciation to someone else.

I wrote in an entry not too long ago, one that you wont find on my entry list.  I wrote about a problem that I had, or rather an insecurity that I didn’t know how to deal with but it took care of itself and you know what, I no longer have that fear, I have concerns at times but I have faith in knowing that I don’t have to worry about the past, the future is looking good and doesn’t cause me to think that it’s going to change anytime soon.

Ok, it’s 1, I still have soe spanish to do but I don’t think that I’ll be doing it tonight, I’ll do it tomorrow since I don’t really care about that class right now, I wont read tonight and then I’ll be up tomorrow, do some of the readings for class and then work on my asian philosophy some more, pray that I got a passing grade on my last test and hope that I can at least pass the class with a C which will make me happy.

Night