Writing in the dark

I am sitting in the dark, writing here a short entry before falling asleep. I am starting to like this writing when my mother does not know I am writing, maybe because it is forbidden. She would be furious if she knew, in the same way as she would be furious if she knew many things about me that she totally ignores.

Tomorrow I will most probably get the grade of my exam. I am very anxious about it. I studied so much and so intensely, I put so much effort in it. When I think about it, I feel sparks of anxiety running through my veins. If I could just open the grades’ site and acknowledge a sufficient grade, that would make me the happiest person on earth. I know I just cannot do well on such things. It is a neurological problem. I can perform only basic maths, I cannot count if numbers have more than 4 or 5 positions and I do not understand concepts such as quantity. So, for instance, I know that 5 apples are less than 6 apples just because I learnt it by heart, but I do not see why. A long, complicated and boring story I am not going to tell now. I have an appointment with the neurologist at the end of the month for a check of this situation, and Doctor Livio wanted to write an attest to let me have more time to give the accounting exam, but I refused. I will fight my battles at the same conditions as everyone else.

Today Axl called me to ask me about the exam, because I was apparently exhausted after it and I could barely speak. The exam was very short – it lasted just one hour – but yes, I was exhausted. One hour computations, formulas and mathematical reasoning is a torture for me. I am not just “not good with numbers”. It is something that goes beyond it. Anyway, Axl is the only one who cared to ask me why after the exam I was so upset.

What I can do now is praying and hoping it will be ok. I feel like an opportunist, sometimes I pray only when in need. I had a difficult time with God lately, I have been thinking about Him a lot and came to several conclusions. I am not a theologian, so that my personal conclusions are just speculation of a layman who tries to understand the mystery as well as possible. But: I believe in Jesus, and He represents human life. Son of a Virgin and of a Spirit. This is like creation, there was a virgin territory and it was enlightened by a spirit. Jesus was betrayed by friends and abandoned by God on the Cross. This is what happens to every human. We suffer, life is suffering with sparks of happiness that give us the strength to go on. Why did God not send armies of angels to take Jesus off the Cross? Because God does not care about what happens on earth, maybe for the afterlife but as long as we are here we are free to choose between the good and the evil, without fearing direct punishment. This is the reason why the evil is so strong, and the good is so much praised but so little practiced.

Time to sleep.