What about life?

Yesterday I had a meaningful conversation with Annie. She is a nurse, working in a retirement home and dealing every day with elderly people, some of them affected by dementia. Annie is 40, and she said to me that if she envisions that she still has about 40 years to live (estimating a life span of 80) she starts panicking. She confessed that she is not attached to life, and that if she ever fell asleep forever, she would not mind.

That kind of hurt me. I am concerned she might still be depressed – last year she went through a depressive phase too, and she kept working and actually never gave up just out of love for her children.
I can totally relate to not being attached to life. How many times have I thought that if I had the means to leave life without suffering, I will do so? I attempted suicide three times, I am lucky enough I did not suffer consequences from my attempts – things such as permanent damage to the kindeys. Annie assured to me that she is in no way suicidal. She just does not care about dying, she is tired.

Tired of living. I can also relate to that feeling. But, actually, since I know her I started viewing life from a different angle. She underlined, though, that since we are together my life changed drastically, whereas her life remained pretty much the same. Right, but very soon her life will change as well. She will move to my house, with her children. If this is not change! She will have to adapt, even if she speaks the language and knows the culture. She will go back to studying at University, since she does not want to work as a nurse for the rest of her life.

Living can be unbearable at times. I know. But how comes I did not manage to instill some more positivity in her life? I live in constant anxiety, but the thought of her is enough for me to go on and never lose hope. The simple fact that she exists. I wish I could lift this weight from her heart and soul a little. How? That is the burning question. Maybe I am not reliable enough.

Which means I still have to work on myself. If I do not trust myself, how can others trust me?