Wasted youth

Many things are over, I feel tired but I have two presentations and an exam next week – so I do not have time to be tired.

I am studying, pondering if I can give myself half an hour to stop by here and write a couple of lines – yes. Ely is on a date with a friend, Dani is with his girlfriend, Axl and Marco are watching a movie. It seems it is only me always with my books. I enjoy this kind of life, I wish I could be in a library forever and do research undisturbed, but sometimes I need to sleep, how nasty it can be.

I had so many things to say in my mind when I turned on my computer, but now they are all gone. Just… I feel tired but happy because I got a position for a PhD by Professor Sara, she is likely to give me a chance. That is the dream of my life. That would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. In the end, I put all my effort in my study, I work night and day with total dedication. I was thinking about the past, and what I have been through. I am still alive. I will not be alive in vain.

Yesterday, my mother and I saw a young girl at the railway station, she was screaming and crying at people. She was obviously psychotic, either because she has mental health issues or because she took drugs. The police came to the place, and in the end they called an ambulance and she was carried away, against her will. My mother said to me, “where are her parents?”. I was burning on the inside. Where was my mother when I, her daughter, was in the same conditions as the young girl? I have been psychotic for more than 10 years, with some lucid moments in which I have lived alone in a flat, which much more resembled a camp than a flat. I was unable to take care of myself, but nobody was there to help me. No mother, no father. I spent more time in isolation cells than in freedom, and I feel like I have not lived at all for those 10 years. I was young. My youth wasted in a psychiatric hospital.

I do not find anything more to say. I feel empty, but happy. I reclaim the time wasted, and success is my only option.