Unique

Today I had a therapy session. Doctor Livio told me that he cannot see me next week, since he has to undergo a complete heart check at the hospital. He will have to be hospitalised for two days. So I was faced with the fact that this man, one of the few men I tolerate around me, is vulnerable as well. He is the only father I ever had, at least the one who gave me the impression not to be totally alone while fighting my battles along the way. My biological father is a poor idiot, unable to make his wife shut up and stop insulting me all the time. I do not think it is really a serious problem, but even if it were a serious problem, I doubt that Doctor Livio would have told me. In the end, I am only a patient of his. Not his daughter.

We discussed the issue of his death only once. Not that he is going to die next week, at least I hope so. But there will be a day, in the future, in which he will die. I will lose the only person who ever believed in me, and he asserted that in his opinion I should be able to live without him. I am no ready yet. Nobody can replace him. I think nobody can replace anybody. We are all unique and the unique Doctor Livio is the father I still need by my side. While my biological father ignores me and my mother insults me, he is the one who tells me that if I were his daughter, he would be proud to be my father.

Of course, a therapist who knows how to do his job makes the patient able to walk alone along the paths of life. This is something he does every single day, session after session. He knows me better than I know myself, sometimes I do not even have to tell how I feel because he already knows by the look in my eyes. This man saved me from my worst enemy, myself. I have been a self-destructor for ages, until he made me somehow love myself or at least respect myself a little more than I used to. He opened my eyes on my family, he made me discover my talents and my weaknesses. I never idealised him, I always saw his flaws as well as his qualities. He always prevented me from seeing him as a sort of God on earth.

I do not have a high esteem of men. Apart from a few cases, in my 37 years of life experience I never met a man with some sort of sensitivity. Axl is an exception, and so is Doctor Livio. Right, as a lesbian I am a biased source. If I still accept to have some sort of interaction with men it is because Doctor Livio has always been the proof that a few men are born with sensitivity and not just with sex drive.

Now I think I have to stop. I am worried, I cannot afford losing the only person who cares about me.