Tomorrow at 4.30 pm

I need to write an email to Dr. Ben, the post-doc researcher who involved me in thousand projects last year – none of them really came to an end or to a reasonable conclusion. She sent an email to a group of us students reminding us that we can withdraw from the last of her projects, and added that if we wanted to continue she cannot even grant us a salary for our work. I remember the meetings we had last year to prepare Facebook and Twitter posts for the events we were promoting. Endless discussions which could have been concluded within half an hour. I am done with Dr. Ben, definitely. She and Prof. Gabriel wanted to give Ely all chances in the world, they arranged a place for a PhD project for her, but they saw it rejected twice – no funds were granted. But, of course, the commissions are made of idiots, because Prof. Gabriel is such a genius that his projects must be given funds a priori. I do not need to have such people around me. They can have Ely, if they want her, and I am taking distance from all of them. In the end, they promised me much and gave me nothing.

I asked Gaia a couple of questions about accounting, since I found myself in troubles with some exercises and she is giving the exam too. She is an attractive, nice and funny lesbian girl attending the same Master as me. But, of course, she is already taken. She is planning to marry. So, I have to give up all my hopes on her. Speaking with her somehow made me reason about the future. She is older than the average student in our class, not as old as I am (I am the grandma with 38) but she is already around 30 so not the youngest. She looks for jobs, she makes plans for a future at work, and actually she opened my eyes on the fact that there is a world outside of University. I fear the outside world, I found a place where I feel comfortable in at University but it is not the only place in the world where I can build my safe haven and feel well. Gaia does not fear moving away from here, she does not fear taking important decisions, she is ready to work and study at the same time and when she wants something, she goes straight to the point and gets it. Well, I like her being so determined. I could learn a lot from her, but I am always with the same people at University: the old media students‘ group, the young aiming at PhD positions, the normalos being helped by normalos. And it is always a frustration to see how much those people are helped and blessed by life and by their fellow normal people and how much I am a reject. If I see Gaia, I see someone who needs to work hard to reach her goals, she is not given anything for free. Ely just needs to write her name on an exam‘s paper to have a good grade. How did it come so far, I do not know.

I have been studying accounting for more than one month by now, almost exclusively devoting my time to it. I am happy to give the exam tomorrow and to enjoy a couple of days without worries before the beginning of the new semester. I need to broaden my views, to get to know more people, and to start to think about the future in terms of work. I have been a student all my life long, and somehow I liked it, just because I wanted a Bachelor degree at any cost and I desire my Master degree more than anything else. But I do not need to come to terms with people like Dr. Ben to go on with my life, and people like Gaia show me that it is not even necessary. She goes on with her life even if this means smashing the door in front of assholes sometimes, how powerful they might be. She is a gay woman who most probably had to come to terms with rejection caused by her being a gay woman, something that my friends never experienced. I have the impression that she knows what it is like to fight to reach a position in life.

Tomorrow, 4.30 pm my time, please keep fingers crossed for me. One hour. Only one hour – all this fuss just for one hour.