Tinder, the present and the past

My exams are over. At February 11 I will start my stage in an archive. Lovely place, and I know the director personally. I was hired at my first interview, and I thank God for that. All my class mates are struggling to find a stage, whereas I have this contract signed since October.

I made a Tinder account. Just for fun maybe, because some say Tinder is for quick easy sex and this is absolutely not what I am looking for. Anyway, I met a girl who seems to be nice and not looking for easy sex either. The problem is that she is new to the place, she does not know anybody apart from the people she works with and she is on Tinder to know people. Men and women. I do not even know whether she is a lesbian or just bi-curious. Or maybe just looking for friends. She asked me why I am on Tinder, and honestly I had to say that I also look for friends, but female friends, and if this happens for a girlfriend. Talking to her made me realize how deeply I can despise the male sex, even if I have a great deal of male friends. I do not know why, but I see a rapist behind every man. As if their only interest were to have a woman, to have sex, to find their own pleasure and go away after they have got what they wanted. I cannot claim to know “men”, I just had one serious relationship with a man – he was just as I described, but he is just one among many.

I never had terrible experiences with men. Rather, they have always rejected me. There was a time in which I used to deny my homosexuality, so that I tried to catch a boyfriend. I still was a law student in Basel, I was quite attractive, still almost no visible sign of my illness, brilliant person. I once tried to talk to some guys on a party organized by the faculty on medicine (it was the party for the new graduated medical doctors) and all of them showed no interest in talking to me. One of them even told me “you know, my girlfriend and I will go on holiday next week”. I tried to catch some guy at the home I lived in, one was a medical doctor and the other a lawyer. The doctor even kissed me, but the day after I saw him hand in hand with another girl. The lawyer kissed me, but the day after I had to punch him in the stomach because he let me in in his room and wanted force me to have sex with him. I eventually caught an archeologist, but he told me he wanted me to meet his ex girlfriend and that I was a means for him to avenge himself since she had dumped him after a night spent together. Well, I cannot reproach him anything, I was also “using” him as a means to have a boy at my side. At least, though, not to make myself important in the eyes of someone else. Then, I met Gavin. An online acquaintance, we chatted for months almost every night. I thought he could have been the one. He was from London. He traveled to Basel to meet me. He stayed two days, then he returned to London and I never heard anything from him again. After a while, I met my only boyfriend. Horny Boy, I always call him this way. We chatted for a while, then we talked on the phone. I even thought this could have been true love, even if he was a man. I visited him, this took me a lot of money and 10 hours by train. The dream was over as soon as I saw him. Nevertheless, in spite of horrible sex, detestable weeks spent together, arguments and reproaches, accusations and paranoia, we were together for more than 2  years. During which he went with every possible girl behind my back. And during which I had sex with a woman for the first time, discovering what true love is.

Not the all girls are ok, notice. I got my negative experiences also with girls, but it was different. For instance, during one of my hospital stays I met a woman who was there because she had attacked her husband with a knife. I could relate. I just had attacked a (male) nurse with a knife. And it was not dangerous, I could have never hurt him, I was angry because he continuously made fun of me. I just wanted to give him a lesson. Males understand just the language of violence sometimes. That woman had thrown a knife on her husband, but one of those knives with a smooth blade who are not even good enough to cut a slice of pizza. The whole story had been exaggerated (as usual) and she had landed in psychiatry. Anyway, she was a lesbian and she was fed up to be yelled orders at by a man – she was Turkish, and her husband was quite conservative. We had a short relationship. But she lied to me several times, for example about her origins. I suspected she was Turkish, and this was absolutely no problem for me, why should it have been a problem? I am not racist and I do not judge people on their religion. Anyway, she hid this to me. She even alleged not to speak Turkish. She swore she was a Swiss with Christian Kurdish origins. Then, one day, we were sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital, peacefully drinking a cup of tea, with some other inmates, as she got a message on her phone. I did not even want to, but I threw a glance on the phone and I noticed that all notifications were in Turkish. I asked her, and she said that she did not even understand why her phone was set on Turkish and she did not understand anything her phone was displaying. Well, if there is something I hate, is to be made a fool of. I had to trust you, you have to trust me. Moreover, why lie about something that would have been no cause of rejection?

Another negative experience I had was with a transexual I met during another hospital stay. She was a girl, soon-to-be man, but still a girl. She had a female name and was still female. She had a girlfriend who was a lesbian and was with her as her girlfriend. Suddenly, one day she started flirting with me and showing manifest interest for me. She was taken, so that I remained distant, but she was very attractive – I like masculine women. Well, that flirting and flattering lasted for a week, and on one evening we met in the smoking room, there were just the two of us, and we kissed – it happened. Despite her girlfriend. Shame on me. During the following weeks, her girlfriend appeared sometimes to visit her, rarely, and they seemed very cold and distant to one another. She claimed that their story was finished. But, then, she claimed that she wanted me to consider her a man. I can understand, since she was a trans, but I did not look for a man, I wanted her as a woman. Moreover, all of a sudden she wanted me to be her “second girlfriend”, since she did not want to give up the other one. So, obviously I did not want to be the second girlfriend of a man. All that situation overwhelmed me and I discontinued the contact; during our last phone call she insulted me heavily, which showed me that, on the whole, she might have never had any positive feelings towards me, because if she had really loved me as she claimed, she would have been nicer.

And the most painful one, Sybille. I met her also during a hospital stay. She had attempted suicide, as well as I had. We shared the same room. She was straight, single, and very lonely. We used to cheer up each other and we started a deep friendship. When she was released, I was moved to another unit and we remained in touch. On one evening, I got a message from her saying farewell. Farewell in the sense of “farewell forever”, and I immediately called the hospital because I knew Sybille had many suicide attempts behind her. They told me that she was there already. Two days after, I visited her. We chatted for a while, she apologized for putting me in the position to “save” her from death – actually, I was somehow angry, but I could relate. A couple of weeks later, she sent me a text message confessing me that she had fallen in love with me. Despite of not being a lesbian. We had a short relationship, I think she is the one I loved the most beside Kerstin and we were happy until her ex boyfriend interfered and led her to take distance from me. Anyway, in a last attempt to save our relationship, after we had broken up, we decided to meet under the bridge beside my flat on one evening. It rained heavily and I waited there for two hours. I tried to call her, sent texts, left messages on her answering machine. Nothing. After another hour I gave up, it was late and I was freezing. The day after, she sent a text saying that I had humiliated her and she did not want to see me ever again. My attempts at explaining that obviously there must have been a misunderstanding were in vain. I decided to let her go.

So, if there are things I learned from my past, these are that I do not wish to be lied on, since I do not lie; I do not wish to share my girlfriend with anyone else, even if I do not consider her as a property; and I look for dialogue and communication on every situation. Whenever dialogue cannot be obtained, I leave.

With that being said, I conclude this long entry and I go to bed – I am on holiday but I am not able to relax. I give myself a couple of days of freedom, but I have lots of work waiting to be done. I still owe 20 hours research assistance to my professor and the Master thesis does not write itself without my contribution – that would be too easy, heh.