The “stalking” must go on

My “Facebook stalking” went on. I decided to look for the only boyfriend I ever had, with whom I spent 2 and a half years of my life in a distance relationship that made me only understand clearer that there is nothing in a man I could ever find attractive. Fortunately, he must be either under a pseudonym or not on Facebook at all. Thinking about him triggered memories, though, and in these days I am letting go many things, but not before I can remember them for a last time.

Frank and I met online. He is confined to the web, never goes out and at the time I met him, he was unemployed. He could afford spending about 12 hours a day in front of his computer, chatting and surfing the web, while I still tried to be a law student. He always despised me studying. He was of the opinion that academics just talk and teach and boast, but do not know how the world goes. Well, that might be true for some academics, exactly as for some non academics, such as Frank himself. Frank was of the opinion that he was entitled to stay home, do nothing, and get money from the state for his doing nothing. At the end of the months, the money was over, because he lived high above the standard he could afford, but there was me giving him some hundreds euro to make ends meet.

I think that I felt attraction for Frank until the day I met him in person. “Attraction” is a big word, he was handsome, but more than anything else I felt that having him as a boyfriend would have made me normal. Like all other girls. And the most important thing is that it was a long distance relationship, so that I did not have to move with him or to have him every single day beside me. I always liked those things through the Internet. The first time I met Frank at the railway station of the city next to the town he lived in, I nearly failed to recognize him. It was terrible. He was there with a friend, a woman in her 50’s, who had a car and could take us to Frank’s house. I noticed that I would have never felt at ease with him, even if I wanted to give it all a try.

We had the first violent argument on the first evening. He had pictures of naked women on the desktop of his computer. This did not disturb me in itself; but the pictures were really very vulgar. In my opinion, and this is still my opinion, a woman who accepts to be taken a picture with spread legs willingly for commercial purposes is a bitch. Well, Frank attacked me and said to me that “for me, everything that was not academic was bitch”, and that he was 33, and he was free to watch whatever he wanted, and those women were just attractive and if they liked sex why not earn money with it. Ok, your opinion, dude. I still think that if you want to seduce a woman, showing her nude pictures of other women on your computer is at least inelegant.

The second argument we had was because of the sex. I did not want to sleep with him on the first evening after we just met. Moreover, I was still a virgin. And he was really grumpy because of this decision of mine. On the second evening, since he had complained the whole day, I thought that maybe it would have been a nice experience. But I had problems, I could not have normal sexual intercourse for ages and this was just the beginning. I felt terrible pain every time he tried to get inside me and in the end we had to stop. He was mad, he screamed that I was not his first virgin – go you, baby – and in the end it was quite clear that this was just my inner refusal of him as a sexual partner.

Frank cheated on me many times, always accusing me of cheating on him. The last cheat was so manifest that I almost had to laugh about it. We met on a chat, on which we knew many people. On that same chat, he met another girl, and they arranged a meeting, exchanged mails, made no secret of their growing “sympathy” for each other. Well, everything was known to all our friends, who had asked me what I wanted to do and had asked him why he was acting this way. Frank and I were even engaged, he wanted to marry me. He had proposed. While he was arranging meetings and exchanging love letters with another one. In the end, he met this girl, but after two weeks he visited another woman in Greece, and they started a relationship. His proposal to me is still pending.

I do not know what I expected to find on Facebook. I do not even want to know what that horrible person is doing. He caused me only pain and suffering, even if I admit that I was not easy to be together with. In the end, I discovered that I am a lesbian. No wonder I could not offer good sex to a man. He wanted just good sex, all other aspects of a relationship were not important. But he was the person at whose disadvantage I got to know myself better.

Now I should rather stop the stalking and do some studying. That seems much more intelligent to me than wasting my time thinking about Frank. He is the past. I remember. But I let go. He is not important. I do not even bear a grudge. Whatever.