The never felt love

I do not know how it feels like to love. I was never loved, so it is something I do not have experience of. I have experience of having a crush on someone, but not of loving someone. All the times I felt what I thought it was love, it was just a desire of possession: I wanted a woman to be my girlfriend, or I wanted a person to be my best friend. This is something I have experience of, since my mother always wanted me to be her daughter, and nobody else’s something.

I am full of hate, of grudge, of revenge feelings. I am disgusted by mankind and I wish my parents would disappear, since everything they touch gets inevitably spoiled. I am attached to them, at the same time I see how much they destroy everything they are surrounded by. They hate each other, I never saw them cuddling, or giving each other a kiss, let alone making love. I do not think they wanted children. At least, they never gave me the feeling of being desired. Just some side-effect of an occasional fuck, and here I am.

I would like to feel love at least once before I die. I do not believe God is almighty. God abandoned His only Son on the Cross. God abandoned thousands of innocent children while His priests were raping them. God abandons thousands of people who are trying to escape war, famine and misery. All caused in His name. No, I think God is not almighty, He is very powerful but the force of evil is stronger. Whoever created this world of preys and predators is not a good force. Jesus is my Lord, He died on the Cross as a sign of what human life is: dying in misery, betrayed by friends, and sentenced to death because the people preferred a criminal to be set free instead of Him. The Virgin is the Mother of us all, a pure woman who was chose among many to carry the Son of God – every mother who does not love her children in the same way the Virgin loved Her Son is damned. Life is the miracle, let us not look for Saints and strange things happening, let us just look at what happens every day when children are born. Life is much more than cells developing for 9 months, there must be something more because everyone of us is unique, a unique creature of God. And the destiny of everyone of us is written in the life of Jesus. It might sound strange, but my devotion to the Lord could be considered the thing most similar to love I ever experienced.

God creates us, and some of us choose to follow His way, while others choose to follow other ways – and this is something God has no power on. Maybe God reigns in the afterlife, who knows – not here, in any case. I am not free of violence. I feel strong desire to hurt, because it sexually arouses me. But: I do not do it, and I would never harm an innocent. I confide in the fact that, maybe, one day I will find a woman who cares about me and whom I care about, and I will find pleasure in having conventional sex with her.

I try to meet my neighbour with respect, even if sometimes I happen to hate – for no reason. My anger is just frustration, because every single day is just the same attempt at pleasing my mother and never managing to be given a smile. She is strongly possessed by the force of evil, so that, actually, I pity her. I could have become the abused who becomes an abuser, but I managed to stop this evil chain.

With that being said, I need some rest. Tomorrow is a long day.